[updated] Just got released from VA psych ward yesterday [View all]

Last edited Wed Jul 23, 2014, 08:25 AM - Edit history (1)

I don't know if anyone noticed my nearly month-long absence, but I spent the last month hanging out as an inpatient in a VA psych ward and was just released yesterday afternoon.

The end of June marks several grim anniversary dates for a number of events that happened to me when I was in Iraq in 2004 and this year it pushed me too far. I slashed up my left wrist pretty bad and switched the blade in my hands to attempt to do the same to my right wrist, but my suddenly impaired left hand dropped it after a single pass on my right. Had it not been for that, I would have kept going and was planning on getting my neck next.

My wife called 911 and I ran outside and started yelling at her and the war like a maniac and bled everywhere until the cops showed up. A vision of my children in my head prompted me to grab my mangled left wrist and apply pressure in an attempt to slow the bleeding until the paramedics showed up.

Despite all this, I nearly passed out while waiting and I fully expected to die right there. There was a LOT of blood everywhere.

My wife and kids picked me up yesterday at the hospital. My kids are young and just think that I was negligent and cut myself by accident.

Anyways, I spent 2 days shy of a month at a VA psych ward getting my head back together. Today, as an outpatient, I have a number of appointments at the VA and start to attempt a recovery. I don't really know how or if suicidal ideation is something someone can really recover from or ever pop out of their mind entirely. It had been in my head for 10 years before it bubbled up enough for me to act on.

I feel (mostly) good and (mostly) optimistic right now. I'm sorry for what I did to my wife, kids, and parents, but I don't feel any guilt or remorse towards myself. Numb is the best way to describe my feelings right now. As before, images, thoughts, and regrets about the war permeate my head nearly non-stop. I have to take care of this stuff before it kills me.

Even though I'm taking the time to write all of this out, I'm really not looking for words of encouragement or support. Anyone out there who has even passing suicidal ideation needs to get this stuff addressed. As an inpatient, I met a number of other vets who were all fighting the same fight as me and I see that I'm far from being alone in this.

------- update -------

Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I was going to attempt to reply to everyone, but I got overwhelmed with the idea of doing so. However I've read every post on this thread multiple times.

As I assume most would imagine, reintegration into normal life is turning out to be both challenging and exhausting. My wife doesn't trust me to be by myself and constantly checks up on me and my oldest daughter seems both happy to see me and angry at me. Being 5 years old, I believe that doesn't fully know how to verbalize her feelings. My youngest daughter (she is 3) just looks at me and constantly hugs and kisses me and tells me how much she loves me and how happy she is to be home. As I mentioned earlier, my children don't fully know what happened. As far as they are aware, they think I cut myself being careless while cutting fruit.

Hopefully I'll be going back to work tomorrow, but that'll bring about another slew of mixed emotions and stresses. Understandably, everyone walks around on eggshells. People at work know exactly why I was away for the last month.

Anyways, I'm still trucking along and I have another appointment at the VA this afternoon. The VA has gotten a lot of bad press, but I've had nothing but good experiences with them. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I'm happy to be out of the inpatient psych ward, but I miss the people and the stability of the extremely boring routine there.

I'm lurking in the shadows for a bit, but again thanks for all of the words of encouragement and support. I've read every post her multiple times. I (mostly) feel ok right now.

Thanks,

Victor