I'm glad you got help, and I hope you'll continue to work with your health care team to get better. I want you to understand, deep in your heart, that your family really wants you around--often people with suicidal ideations have an idea that their families will be better off without them, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have older cousins who lost their father to suicide, and it's a thing that resonates down the generations to even the young kids who never knew the man--the sadness and guilt and self-blame that they didn't act in time to stop him is passed on.

I hope you get past "numb" and find a little joy in your life--you sure as hell are overdue for some. Keep pushing on, even when it gets difficult. Your family will appreciate it more than you realize.

Sorry it came to this, but very glad you survived. Later onthings will happen that will make you SO very glad that this attempt was stopped. Please do not leave your wife to raise the kids alone, they need their father. My husband was never around when our children were growing up, and it affects them tremendously. War is not the answer to any problem, if only people like McCain and Graham would get that through their empty heads. Best of luck in the future, the bad times could all be behind you, look forward.

He might not see it otherwise.

You've mistakenly responded to my comments to the OP.

Best, MD.

to you and your family.

I can't imagine what you have witnessed.

enjoy the summer and think of the good things in life like your family.

If it took 10 years to bubble up this time, it sounds like long term support would be a good idea.

Peace to you and yours.

Hang in there. Kids are a motivating force, as are lots of other things we find in and around ourselves.

spent months in VA psyche counseling in 71. You will get through this. Yep met good friends while there also. I do encourage you. Healing is possible.

I have literally spent years dealing with the demons from Viet Nam, including some time spent as an in-patient at a VA psych ward.

A year or so after I got out of the army, I was visiting my grandfather in England, where I slept in the room next to him. The first night I was there, I dreamt about a particular firefight, in which I repeatedly relived shooting and killing a man. My grandfather, who had served in France in 1914-15 (and spent the rest of WWI in Egypt and Palestine -- he knew T. E. Lawrence and didn't think much of him) said to me the next morning that I had had a rough night. I said that I dreamt I was back in combat, and asked him. "Do the nightmares ever go away?" He replied, "They will subside, but never go away completely." My cousin came in and asked what we were talking about. My grandfather said, "I hope you never find out." I agreed enthusiastically. My grandfather was right, the nightmares have subsided, but are not gone.

and yep, they have subsided. Glad you made it. I salute you. I will never forget and, actually, that's not what I ever want to do. My compassion for armed and unarmed casualties of any war now is firmly in place and I do speak against the insanity of war and the immense failure, of human beings, that war represents.

I won't forget either. I have spoken against the wars in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan. I agree with Wilfred Owen that Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori -- "It is sweet and right to die for your country" can only be called a lie.

I made myself very unpopular during the Iraq war, when someone in a meeting of the parish council in my Church called the soldiers in Iraq "defenders of American freedom". I asked, "Please explain to me how they are defending American freedom in any way." What made it worse was that no one there could give me a meaningful answer. I was accused of being a coward, but my offer to go home to get my medals -- which include both a Bronze Star and two Purple Hearts -- was not taken up. I was accused of betraying those who died in 9/11, but I reminded them that Iraq had not attacked the US on 9/11, that the Bushmen's implication that Iraq was involved was a lie, and that the attackers were almost all Saudis. I was accused of actual treason, but I quoted the US Constitution, "Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort", and that under that definition my statements were certainly not treason; moreover, disagreeing with the President was most assuredly not treason. (Incidentally, a major reason that the framers of the Constitution were explicit in their definition of treason stemmed from an incident during the reign of Henry VIII of England. One of Henry's political enemies was arrested and told the charge was treason. He said, "I have committed no treason." The arresting officer replied, "Treason is what the king says it is." The framers knew their history, and did not want treason to be whatever some governmental official said it was.)

for yourself this time.

Little by little, day by day. Just keep on keeping on. More people care than you know.

~PEACE~

But I'm glad you are still here.

to help.

You are loved. It takes time. Take care.

You are not alone in your struggle.

you are not alone.

Anniversaries of horrible events can really fu*k with your head. I hope that you
will be able to go forward and find enough peace to be able to get through them
when they roll around in years to come and reduce the amount of time those images
fill your head now.

My husband is a retired VA psychiatrist and I'm glad to hear that the VA system
is still able to help vets who have been through the hell of war.

My mom died on thanksgiving day, 1981. I was 13. It fucked me up for a long time, but my family, especially my grandchildren, got me past it. You just need one reason to stay alive.

Don't ever feel you're alone in this battle. My husband went though serious depression when he returned from Vietnam. I met him several years later and always admired how he put things behind him. He told me he learned to do that from the doctors and staff and other patients at the VA. He honestly feels he wouldn't be here today without them.

War is never the answer.

myself to. I am re dedicating myself to do so to look for yours.

Though not in the same area, suicide and "cutting," I have something that at the heart of it you might try.


After my son died at 3 1/2, I was a basket case for about 2 years. It was very rough, drawn out death and I had to be the one to tell my other two young children. I finally began searching for something positive to take from it, I HAD TO. I finally settled on finding joy in everything I could and in living each day fully. It worked. I had been about deferred gratification, "we can't .... Until we achieve...." I looked back at the one day I had taken my son "pishing" and wished we had pished together more. So I started doing more with my kids. I started to laugh and play more and worry about money, career... less. I found that my kids didn't care about those other things, they just cared that their dad was back and spending time with them. This helped heal me more than anything. I also knew as I bet you do, that present day problems pale in comparison to the ugly past you have been through. I would catch myself worrying about something until I stopped and put it in perspective. Then I would laugh because it was really nothing.

Your kids just want their dad around, warts and all. We go through life getting cut in one way or another and bear those scars to prove it. It is how we put it all in perspective and what we choose to do about it going forward. My step daughter used to cut up her arms and we were told that it is a way to relieve pressure or stress building in her life. We talk about things more to help relieve that and she said that putting the pressure in perspective, taking a look at it (the cause of the pressure) for what it is and understanding that the issue that started it all was over and she could put it in its place and move on.

I hope you find peace and I will look for your future posts!

I know you said you weren't looking for it but I want to offer you little I can offer.
I am glad you got the help you needed and hope you get continuing care. You went through a lot.

Saying "thank you for your service" when you are still living in a war zone in your head ten years later seems stupid, while saying "I am sorry for your pain" seems to negate the responsibility civilians must assume for policies that create wars in the first place.

I am glad you did not die, and that there is a hope for healing and peace. I do not presume to know your own personal nightmares, but assume your self destructive tendencies are exacerbated because you are a good person who is struggling to cope with memories of horrible things.

May you find strength. May you find ways to regain control of your own mind and destiny again, and use your creative problem solving skills to rebuild the shattered world around you. May you help others who suffer the tragedies of war to heal. May your name and deeds become a blessing to the lives of others.

May you never stop fighting to make this world a better place.

Blessings to you and yours...

As You said "it bubbled up enough for me to act on. " Otherwise it remains repressed.

But it CAN be processed. It takes time & very good guidance. PTSD is recently being understood. It is as if one part of You is living yet in the war zone & the other part is at home here with Your Family.


..."suicidal ideation needs to" be "addressed" but not acted upon.

Thanks for sharing Your tough ordeal, I hope You continue to work on this. Your Family and our world needs You!!

I'm glad you had the courage to share. I'm glad you made it. The thought of suicide is so seductive when we are overcome with never ending emotional pain. Sometimes the thought of just having the option of an out is comforting in a bizarre way.

I've heard that usually within 6 months a person who is saved or survives or is talked out of it is happy that they lived. I'm glad you have follow up. If you end up in group therapy you might have a chance to reach someone else on the edge. Sometimes going through a terrible experience molds you into a wise person with a PhD in experience. You may find your way into peer counciling. Helping others may be your gift.

sorry to hear all that you went through.

Also sad to know those that out you in harm's way will probably never be brought to justice.

For being here with us today. Our world is better with you than without you.

and the journey is not done yet. BUT it does sound like you are on one of the many right paths. I am so glad you had a landing place to help you heal. And I am so glad you are able to see things from a perspective that opens you up to the possibility of continuing treatment to help that healing. My thoughts are with you and your family.

My best to you and your family. Thanks for writing this down. It's easy to feel alone but you write what so many feel and it is a reminder that we aren't alone. Take care of yourself. Peace and love to you and your family.

If you ever need anything remember help is a phone call away and that
your kids will make you rich in ways that are far better then money.

Been there, done that. It does get better. Cliche' I know, but, for me, sometimes that's about all that would break through the feelings of worthlessness. Please take care of yourself. Love, Dana ; )

you are experiencing.











DU=family

and some bad stuff that's trying to take him out. You know the answer and the courage it will take. Not fair that this has been done to you. I cry for that. The bad stuff is overwhelming the good in your life. You have to get involved in something positive..maybe helping other vets. So many feel so bad when they leave their friends and brothers to come home. But they would want you to win back your family life. The hole can be repaired. One day at a time and with help from everyone. Let them. Yell and scream privately when you need to but get it all out with the therapist or whoever you trust. Treat yourself too. You have earned it.

Godspeed

May lots of good things and happiness come your way.

Though I will never be able to comprehend all that you went through and feel, I know what it's like to take a knife to my wrist. Mine was a superficial cut but the feelings were not. Please continue with your therapy. Best of luck to you.

Glad you pulled-through. Welcome back to DU.

I don't pretend to know about war or the military at all, but I am sure that the effects of PTSD are substantial and longer-lasting than I can imagine.

Hang in there: for you, for your wife, and most of all for your kids. I had a good friend in HS who had lost her dad to suicide. You don't want your kids to be in her shoes some years from now.

Like the Desiderata (by Max Ehrman) says, "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."



-app

thanks for sharing this with us.

(my dad came back physically wounded from Vietnam)

Picked up your post and just read some of it on his show. Talked about hypnosis. He wrote a book called Walking your blues away in which he tells about bilaterality. He has had medical training in psychotherapy. Pretty interesting.

he had heavily bandaged wrists and parts of his head was shaved (electrical shock treatments)....he did not recognize me, and it has stayed with me all my life. Please Victor, for yourself and especially for your children, do everything you can to get help and don't quit - if you don't hit it off with a therapist, get another one, and if the medicines don't feel right keep getting the dosages adjusted......never quit trying

I wish you all the best. Please keep them in mind. Loved ones never recover from someone's suicide.

compassion to you - there's a lot more I can say, but for now, just these things.

did.... bless you brother, you are not alone. At the extreme risk of saying something that might appear stupid, may seem insensitive, may get my post hidden, or may be taken the wrong way, let me say this. I have watched several of the videos about this ceremony in Peru and if what people from all walks of life with all manner of issues say is true, it has processed out some very very heavy things. I don't know if this could be of any value to you.... however if this proves out for PTSD in the coming years I would feel amiss for not posting it. Please don't see any insensitivity here or anything less than true concern. Peace to you.

What I am hoping is that this method becomes legal in the U.S. cuz there are plenty of people who could potentially be blessed by it. Many other peoples' positive experiences will be available at the related videos on the right. I have watched many of them and have become a believer.

and that's part of the reason people take them. Feelings are fine if you've lived one of those charmed lives without war and/or human misery in it. They can be too much for a lot of survivors of a lot of terrible things. They don't have to be taken forever, but don't get a wild hair and stop them. Do it with your doctor's guidance.

I am glad you're still with us, even though I don't know you well.

It is tough out there for many people. It is good that you got help from the VA. Please continue your therapy. There is a wife and children who want and need you. You belong here too.

to know or understand the horrors you've seen.

But I have survived and healed after my own battle with PTSD (trauma not combat related).

And sadly I am witness to the ongoing struggles of two teenagers whose father was "successful" in his suicide attempt some 4 years ago.

I believe that you will find your way, that you will be open to the help available to you and that you will heal. You will win this fight for your very life and your life will be enriched because you will know what stuff is truly important in life. Hang in there.

I am so thankful you are here for more and far better experiences.

peace and that you can begin to foci upon not just keeping yourself strange for your family and yourself but that you may be able to help others at some point. Blessings my friend and thank you for everything.

Victor,

Thank your dear wife for all of us. I'm sure she's been mashed up by all of this, and I don't just mean the last month or so. I'm a vet from OIF3 or was it OIL? - spent a year in Abu Ghraib prison. No - we didn't find any WMD's or Osama bin Hidin' but I did see things I can't really explain or care to, to the rest of the population. War puts ash in your mouth, and nothing ever tastes right afterward. I am still trying to fight the VA for back and joint issues, but in the process my wife told me to seek a "check-up from the neck-up". Thank goodness. Nobody likes the stigma of PTSD and I don't talk about it much. Please be careful of the meds they hand out, they help you sleep but knock you down down down.

My only suggestion, and it's just that - check out any Veterans Service Centers in your area if possible. They have group and individual sessions and aren't part of the VA staff. Great people, and folks of all ages. We have a WWII vet, several Korean vets, Viet Nam vets, and of course Iraq and Afghanistan vets. Now Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.

Keep on keepin' on and don't let the monsters in your head or the bastards like Rumsfeld and Cheney have the last word!

Take care,

The Shadow Mayor

To what America asked you to do in its name.

That is an indictment of America, not you.

Sounds like you are just being human, and reacting to being a part of a vast, INHUMAN endeavor.


Just MO.


What you have seen, and what you must know,
is valuable to America.

More Americans need to know what YOU know.



I beseech you,
LIVE, and SHARE.

What an ordeal. I am so sorry that you went through that horrible ordeal.
Please know that we are Here for you.
Please take care.

Is to try and learn from what happened... and then become a mentor/counselor to those going through the same thing.

If... IF... it works, you work out your own demons, by recognizing that the demons are not just yours.

And in healing others... you heal yourself.

I have been a member of this organization for about 30 years. I know you said you don't want advice but I would just like to share the link: https://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/our-method.asp

((Your wife)) ((Your kids)) ((Other family)) ((Friends - new and old))

With help from the VA I went from really fucked up to a little fucked up. I can live with that.

BTW it took me 30 years to seek help for PTSD.

Glad you made it through your nightmare. Welcome home.

The memories may not go away, but PTSD isn't the memories--it's the intensely negative response, the anguish related to them.

am I responding to past trauma? Why do they do "skills training"? Don't confuse being symptom free with being cured.

Every trauma becomes a part of you. Skills are like a cane. It doesn't cure the bum knee, but it allows you to walk with less pain. Combine the cane and therapy, the bad knee becomes less of an issue. Life improves and you carry on.




“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” - Hunter S. Thompson

is cured. Some may never be totally free of those symptoms, true, but it's not impossible or unheard of for some with PTSD to be cured.

disease. I learned how to avoid flare-ups of a disease that has no cure (last time I checked).

With PTSD, the damage is as real as my scarred Ileum. Memories are not of the ether, they are as real as the scarred tissue. They have a physical presence. The best you can do is build a fence around them, drug them, and learn a new route around and away from what triggers the symptoms.

I was looking into it and found some interesting posts on https://www.myptsd.com, with various people discussing their thoughts about cure vs. recovery. There was also a good article on this topic by one of the staff members there. Not sure what his credentials are, but his ideas seem reasonable.

My attempt was two years ago with sleeping pills. I have been inpatient and am still out patient. Take loads of meds. I fight the thoughts and urges every single day. I don't know if it will ever go away. I do know I will be glad when it is finally over. Whether that be tomorrow or twenty years from now. I am glad you have a supportive family

There are many people suffering in this world. If we can focus on
helping others and not ourselves that is what will make you feel
better. Do random acts of kindness anonymously.

I had to find a place where the joy outweighed the pain.

My PTSD predates the military, but more layers of trauma were added in the military.

Thank you for telling us. Tell us again another day how you are holding up

She needs to handle the kids and household and work? Does she have family and friends she can lean on?

PTSD is a bad mo****f*****. Please keep up your hard work in getting better. And it is damn hard work.

I hope you can build many good memories for your family and you to enjoy. Not much time, an hour or two a couple times a week. A walk to a close park where everyone plays a game. To the airport or train station and count the trains, count the planes or ride a train if you have one close. Pony ride, or horseback ride, volunteer to pet the kitties and walk the dogs at your local shelter. A mini picnic at some grassy spot. Play your wifes favortite song and have a little dance with her. A night in the cabin at your close state park. These are the kind of memories I never forgot with my family and they temper bad memories, somehow give strength. "No matter what happened, everything will be ok"

Thanks again for your post, smooth sailing to you and your family!