I have read that suicide prevention lines often make [View all]

Last edited Sun Jan 15, 2023, 05:00 PM - Edit history (1)

callers feel worse. This is from some Reddit & other discussion boards. And I would would never voluntarily go to an emergency room again unless I had a GSW or was having a stroke or heart attack.

I don't know what to do.

Second to the last time I saw my mother, she basically accused my of killing my brother by sending him a text on Christmas 2020 saying, "I hope you die" (which I most certainly did not, but he & I were estranged & there were some heated words in an email which his Widow used to ban me from his funeral.)

He died tragically the day after Xmas in 2020 by falling from a scissors lift & it happened in front of his two young adult sons.

When we visited my Mom this Xmas, to keep her from being lonely (my dad/her husband died Oct 25, 2020), I told her how disturbing her insinuating I was responsible for my brother's death last visit had been to me. She denied saying it. As if I would imagine or make up such a thing!

My husband has aggressive, metastatic prostate cancer. His brother has acute lymphoblastic leukemia. His other brother's wife has bladder cancer. That all from 2021.

A few months ago,. My youngest sister, from whom I was/am-still-sort-of-estranged, was dx with stage 4 uterine cancer. She is in treatment.

At about that same time, I had a herniated disk which caused me to have excruciating pain & foot drop. I had surgery Nov 3, 2022. It failed to solve either problem.
(Also had a disturbing incident of Post-surgical Delerium which the hospital mishandled.

Some of my favorite things were gardening, walking through public gardens, and dancing. Now I can barely do any of them.

I lost my long-time therapist due to insurance changes 2 years ago. I'm an atheist & have Aspergers and can't imagine starting over with a stranger, especially as there's no way of knowing ahead of time if they're a Trumper or a Christian who brings that into therapy.

I just don't feel I have the ability to carry on, especially in this increasingly Neo-Nazi friendly world.

I'm sorry, because I know I've posted about a lot of these miseries in groups here before and anyone who cares enough to participate in these cancer, grief, & mental health groups is sick of my story.

But just typing this here where maybe someone will understand keeps me, at the moment, from complely freaking out & doing something about stopping all this unbearable pain.

Also, I've had suicidal depression before and have never had the courage to go through with it, so please don't think you need to act & try to find me & call in the calvary.

Have any of you felt this way? Is there any hope for me? I strongly suspect I am too broken to be fixed.