So sorry things are so tough for you.

If you won't call a suicide hotline or look for a new therapist, will you try Yale's Science of Well Being course?

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being?utm_source=gg&utm_medium=sem&utm_campaign=09-ScienceofWellBeing-US&utm_content=B2C&campaignid=9728548210&adgroupid=119657127259&device=m&keyword=&matchtype=&network=g&devicemodel=&adpostion=&creativeid=506816645212&hide_mobile_promo&gclid=CjwKCAiA5Y6eBhAbEiwA_2ZWIUocFNKeW_SIs0NB1IRGHhJ9qUda-46ykZvw1hzl9q8rjZX92ydCdxoCB20QAvD_BwE

1st videos are available immediately upon sign up & those who have tried it have reported feeling better after watching the 1st video.

Watch Stutz on Netflix? (Netflix offers a free 30-day trial.)

Start a gratitude journal? Just number & list 3 things you're grateful for before bed. Reread entire list each night just before bed.

Try James Pennebaker's Journal therapy?

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/psychology/faculty/pennebak

Punch a pillow. Thfow ice cubes at a sidewalk...

Hugs to you my friend.

I try to will consider your ideas.

Try them.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) because you deserve and need it.

I've had rotten days and times, but oh my word the things going on in your life would flatten anyone. And being in severe physical pain with the herniated disc on top of everything else sounds like undiluted hell. I am so sorry for what you are going through, DSK. It is so much harder to struggle with emotional life issues when one is in relentless physical pain.

It worries me that you don't have a therapist. There are lots of tele-health therapists practicing now, and I wonder whether one of them would work for you. The Psychology Today website is an excellent resource for finding treatment. You have the right to interview potential therapists to find out if their values click with yours.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

One thing that's helped me start pulling out of heavy depression is keeping a journal. I've been keeping journals for almost 50 years.

I started journal self-therapy several years ago by writing down anything good about myself. The only thing I was able to set down was that sometimes people said I had a nice smile. Pitiful. But I worked at the list until I had a page of things, and in the process felt much better about myself. The feeling has stuck with me.

Thinking about the future helps. What will I be doing a year from now? What do I want to be doing then?

Wishing you all the best!

Ideas to consider if I ever gain the strength.

Try your local senior center for activities & to start building friends to form a social support network.

Try to find something you can find some pleasure in - music, a tv show, some cookies - and get some good feelings from them.

Try to be thankful for something you do have but that has become underappreciated. Maybe a comfortable chair, the heating bills paid, being warm and dry during a storm.

Sometimes outside sources do not help. We need to rebalance our perspective on the smallest of things in our own environment.

I've had chronic pain, and it seems to me emotional pain is much the same. Taking the excruciating parts one moment at a time helps.

I will try.

Do you have a YMCA nearby? Even if you can't walk well, therapy pools (nice and warm) can be a really gentle way to get in some movement. And the movement will help to realign your brain.

My mother always said that when one gets out of the pool, one always feels better than before one got in.

by others as well. Unfortunately, I have bad associations with pools. I could sit in a hot tub though. If only I had one.

It will help your mental outlook to have some form of exercise. That involves getting up, leaving your house, going somewhere (if necessary), and doing a little bit of exercise.

In my local YMCA, the therapy pool is 3' to 5' deep, about 5 metres square, and 90 something degrees. A bit like a hot tub.

But there are lots of other things you could do. Like some Tai Chi. I know of one program where the participants sit in chairs.

It's important for your brain to do something which involves the first sentence in this post.

Good luck!

but lying in bed & using my phone impossible just now.

that Mr. Douglass Bloch. I will try to go back & explore more of the site.

I know too much can have adverse consequences (cf. Elijah McClain) but I have read that unlike other anti-depressants it can work right away. Provided you can get a prescription from a doctor.

I think you need effective analgesics. I know that Tylenol and ibuprofen aren't always that effective for physical pain, so if you can maybe you can get acupuncture or medicinal marijuana or even some opioid ( I know opioids are hard to come by, alas).

If you can get some magic mushrooms from any source, such as acquaintances in Colorado, they too can readily relieve depression.

I hope others here can come up with more helpful remarks.

ever since I first read about it. My friend & yoga teacher tells me her husband found great relief from it. But the Ketamine therapy is expensive & difficult to find.

I still have most of the opiods they sent me home from surgery with (Oxy something or other. Not the really powerful, good, clean Oxy, but one of the weaker, dirty ones.) It doesn't do me much good & gives me a very bad overall body/mind feeling, which I call "seedy."

The opioid I fought for to replace the Oxy (Delaudid), I also still have a few of. Those I'm saving for an emergency. You see, the physical pain associated with the herniated disc is is mostly neuroluggucal. I am taking a shitload of Gabapentin, which is keeping the "radicular" pain mosy manageable. However, it fucks with my head.

If you have read this far, I appreciate that. One side effect of the Gabapentin is that it makes me talk (or write) far too much. Everyone is suck of my endless paragraphs. I will come back and reply regarding your other suggestion after a break.

Here's what I've learned:

Short term drugs like Oxy-anything will cause worse depression when it wears off. Be careful.
Beware of any drugs that "mess with your head." They are making it harder for you to cope. Talk to your doctor about the side effects.
A qualified psyciatrist can prescribe anti-depressants appropriate for your situation.
However the long term solution won't be drugs.

I was pulled out of a long term depression by Body Code, a kind of energy work. You can look that up online and find online certified practitioners who can do sessions by phone or zoom. I also found it to reduce/eliminate pain.

For the back pain, read Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. Just reading the book can get results. He is no longer alive, but he used to practice at NYU Medical Center in NYC, and I believe they are carrying on his work there, so if you need more help than the book can give you, see if you can make an appt. This doesn't require long term treatment, usually two visits will work. i recovered from years of debilitating sciatic nerve pain from the book plus two visits.
I had pain but not the drop foot, I don't know how that relates to his work but it makes sense to ask the doctors at NYU (not just doctors not familiar with dr. Sarno's work). We are all tempted to believe surgery will be more powerful than a book, but I had 3 back surgeries, and the book is what worked. It will take an open mind but I've witnessed many success stories and every one of them had tried everything before they tried this.

Please don't think of yourself as broken. You have been through enough that would level just about anybody. Your reaction to all this is just plain human. Kudos to you for reaching out here for help. Recognizing you need help is the first step, and I wish for you help from people who can help in person, not just people online. Find someone--therapist, social worker, some kind of professional who is not emotionally caught up in the situation and knows what resources are available. No one can get through what you are dealing with alone.

Best of luck. We are rooting for you.

... perhaps as recently as December. Given the difficulty in finding and accessing mental healthcare (even as a veteran) and having had a schedule and work and finances that makes getting to a doctor difficult; I really needed the support and intervention available on the line especially as I encounter issues on my job.

The object of the counselor on the crisis line is to make a referral to resources. My objective of course is to tell my story, be heard, have my experiences validated, get a more objective handle on my status and to get some feedback on my decisions. The dialogue is in this vein and it has been very helpful to me as the only resource I really have right now.

I have had very poor experiences with counselors in person, by and large.

This is a place. It's not always welcoming in fact at times it is vast, cold and unsympathetic imho. But it feels more empathetic and compassionate than almost all other places on line as a general forum. We are here. We see you.

where you may not know the faces or names, but it doesn't matter. You will be accepted, loved, welcomed. Sometimes I just read the replies and I feel the love and concern and I don't need to ask for any for myself.

gg

I'm sending some loving kindness especially for you.
💜💜💜

Exactly what I'm talking about. 😭 but the good kind.

Much love, Sweetie.

gg

I really feel you on this:

I know of several people who called the VA's Veterans Crisis Line and received the immediate and follow-on care they needed.

posted just above you.👍

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Anyone would feel challenged by what you’re going through, DnS. What courage you have already shown by walking through it even though it hurts like this. Family of origin drama so often weighs much more than it should, I understand first hand.

Wishing you a boatload more of that courage, day by day.

Post any time, we are all right here and actually do care… we may not know you except by what you write here, but that’s still connecting as humans, you know?

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you have personal experiences with difficult family of origin issues, but thank you for expressing your empathy and encouragement.

Good grief. With all that you have to contend with, you are doing well to be able to even articulate what you feel. You have a TON of very REAL issues that would weigh anyone down. No wonder you are struggling.

Please don’t take this the wrong way - or anyone else here do that - but there are a lot of people with legitimate mental health issues - who don’t necessarily have real world, situational, reality issues. In your case, you have real, situational causes for any depression, anxiety, fear, etc.

This is a very poor way of me saying that I hope you can give yourself a break. You are dealing with a LOT.

I do have certain strengths and certainly privileges many others sadly lack. But Ihave had mental health issues & Asperger's pretty much all my life, and I do think they're intertwined.

But yes, I think the almost unbelievable pile-up of intense negative events has pushed me to this breaking point.

Thanks again for your understanding & encouraging words. 🌞

If you have a physician, you might get a recommendation from him/her. I'm also a long time member of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and since going to those meetings I've become aware of numerous local groups which people attend that I've never been aware of before - CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous), ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), Overeaters Anonymous, Alanon (families and friends of alcoholics, a meditation group (recommended by a friend), the list goes on.

The reason I mention this is that one of my fellow AA's joined a bereavement group after losing her own brother quite suddenly - he had emotional issues. I'm not saying that these particular groups would necessarily apply to your situation, but you might get a recommendation of an appropriate group from a physician - or even find one in the yellow pages or by an online search. And these self help groups, in my experience, only pass a basket asking for a dollar, if the member has one.

I wish you all the luck in the world - my own mother developed dementia and said many things to me that I'd rather not remember.

I had access to grief counseling through the hospice group that helped care for my father. Hard as it was for me, after my brother died the month after my dad, I made the effort to contact them.

They were to send me the paperwork necessary to get started. They never did until many weeks passed, and I called them again. Finally I got the forms, filled them out, and sent them in.

Again, I waited weeks, but received no reply. I'd lost faith in them & couldn't continue trying, but my husband called them. Spoke to a woman he said was very kind & empathetic. She promised to get back to us. That never happened.

I do know of the various AA-related groups & others. My Asperger's & whatever else makes group situations, especially where private, personal feelings are concerned, scarier to me than staying home with my suffering.

My PCP has encouraged me to get back into one-on-one therapy. Friends & my husband, too, and they're helping me find & engage someone. It's just that it takes time and in my darkest moments, of which there are increasingly more, it seems hopeless.

My mom doesn't have dementia, that we know of anyway, but even if she did, I know it would be hard to brush off hurtful things said. I'm sorry for your painful experiences with what your mom, and all your other struggles. Glad you've found help & I hope you continue to heal. 💗

You have just described me to a tee. I wish I had something really useful to offer, but I am in the same boat. And, that boat is sinking fast. I would go on, but this post is not about me. All I can say is I hope you can find whatever it is that you need to get through this and then find something to keep you in that better place.

I'm so sorry you feel just as bad as I do. I hope that in some way you will find a measure of comfort.

I hope you will find even more of the peace and comfort you deserve.💗