General Discussion

PATUXENT RIVER, MD (Spurious News Network) -- In a recent televised interview, King Donald Trump expressed a desire to "slide down a rope from a helicopter" like a SEAL Team 6 member.

He won't be doing it from any of the Navy's helicopters, according to the commander of the Navy organization in charge of those helicopters.

Vice Admiral John E. Dougherty IV, commander of Naval Air Systems Command, explained that Trump's outsized weight would prevent the Navy from allowing such a stunt to be attempted. "He weighs, what, 900 pounds? If you throw off the side-to-side balance of a helicopter to that extent as suddenly as it'd happen if Trump tried to rappel out of it, it would crash straight to the ground and right on top of him. I thought for a second, 'maybe I'll rent a Mil Mi-26, a Russian-made helicopter that's the biggest in the world, for him to do it from.' Then I called the Mil works and they told me the dynamics of Trump's immense bulk flying out the side door would crash their aircraft too. Since all these aircraft are on my hand receipt I'm not going to write the Navy a check for a new one out of my personal account because some dumbass wanted to do a publicity stunt." When asked if he worried about the president getting killed, Admiral Dougherty replied, "if Donald Trump wants to commit suicide he's more than welcome to. But he is not fucking taking three to five of my Sailors and one of my aircraft with him."

Officers commanding the Army, Air Force and Marine Corps helicopter organizations confirmed they also won't let Trump use their birds for a similar stunt. "We could send him to Fort Campbell, Ky., and let him rappel down the 34-foot tower at the Sabaluski Air Assault School," explained Major General Clair Gill, commander of the US Army Aviation Center of Excellence, "but the Black Hat instructors there believe he'd yank it over on its side. The 326th Engineer Battalion says they can rent a big crane and pull it back upright with that, but we don't want them to have to. We believe the best result if he wants to rappel is to have him do it off the side of the Pentagon. That building's big enough he couldn't possibly pull it over no matter how many Big Macs he has for breakfast."