Last edited Sat Jan 27, 2018, 07:37 PM - Edit history (4)
First and foremost, everything you're thinking right now is OK. This is not a normal situation, and there are no "right" thoughts about it. Think any way you need to, and please try to be as gentle with yourself as you can.
My most important advice is to get your local hospice folks involved right f'ing now. There may be an assisted death program you can access. If so it would be by far the best option. If it isn't available where you live, you may be able to travel to a place where you can access one. The hospice angels will know the ropes. They've seen it all, and they will guide you compassionately. Trust them.
Also, in my experience home hospice doesn't suck if you have an endgame mapped out. I don't have any experience with institutional hospice, so that may be a different kettle of fish.
Self-administered suicide endings are dodgy from a couple of points of view: there are potentially harsh legal consequences for anyone who even remotely assists you (like buying you a book on the subject); and access to sure and painless techniques is difficult.
The simplest and most certain technique is helium used in a plastic bag hood. Unfortunately, the party balloon helium manufacturers have gotten wise to this use, and many are adulterating their helium with oxygen or air. That raises the risk of failure, and trust me, the only thing worse than a suicide is a botched attempt that leaves you brain-damaged. Pure commercial nitrogen or non-balloon helium would both be good, but I found them impossible to get for my wife without leaving a paper trail.
Yes, I assisted her in two consecutive attempts, and voluntarily accepted the legal risks. We got so fucking lucky that the failures didn't cause even worse problems for both of us, and still left her eligible for medical assistance - which is what I should have talked her into in the first place...
If there is no legal medical program where you are, and you can't get 100% helium (or nitrogen) entirely on your own, the next on the list is pills and alcohol. But you'd be amazed how much serious medication the body can tolerate. It's actually fairly hard to calculate a minimum fatal dose for most of the pain meds that hospice will provide (i.e. hydromorphone.) We found that out the hard way too.
Whatever you decide, DON'T try ligature carotid compression. It's a baaaaad idea. You can imagine how I know. I still have strong trauma flashbacks from sitting with her through that one - and it didn't work either.
My next-best choice would be VSED - voluntarily stop eating and drinking. A friend's wife who had ALS used that, and it worked, but it took several weeks. And it was hard, especially at the beginning. My 93 year old mother just used that technique in her retirement home, as did her mother before her. So it works, but it's tough and you really need to have a partner to keep you on track.
Lastly - DO NOT BAIL ON YOUR FAMILY! Trust me, that would be the single worst thing you could do - it would be far harder on them than your death alone would be. Suicide is not selfish, but cutting your family off from your last days IS. Please don't. They have earned the right to be involved.
If you have any questions send me DU mail. I'm ready to talk about any and all of it. You have my most profound sympathy.
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