Elder-caregivers

...can actually be wonderful places for patients with dementia. The staff is typically trained specifically for dementia patients and what they know will amaze you. They have appropriate activities to maintain engagement in activities of daily living and social activities, music, art, gardening activities. They know what NOT to do with a dementia patient and how to redirect attention when patients are beset with sadness or anxiety. You don't typically find this level of training in a nursing home setting. They can keep your parents together in a room or arrange to have one visit the other so frequently it would seem they are still living together--of course, this got really screwed up because of Covid-19.

That said, not all memory care units are the same. The best way to find a good one is to visit and talk to visiting relatives. Do they regularly get to engage in activities such as meals, exercise, or music and art activities with their loved ones? Check out the activity rooms. Is there an abundance of household type activities in which to engage? Laundry to fold, plastic dishes to wipe, tables to set, plants to water, music, and nostalgic pieces of bric-a-brac or furnishings? Check out the dining room at mealtimes. Do they have a separate dining place for residents who require someone to feed them--they should. Do they have people in the main dining area to help with patient needs at the table, such as wiping spills, pouring more milk, spreading butter, cutting meat? Is the place noisy or calm? Do you hear patients repeatedly asking for help? Sometimes this is normal because some dementia patients simply repeat the same words over and over even when all their needs have been addressed. But someone should be trying to comfort these individuals.

You will not find a perfect home for your parents and don't feel bad that you realize you cannot take care of them as you wish they could be cared for. I have seen far too many family members take on such a job, run themselves into exhaustion and guilt so that they are the ones who die first or actually begin to demonstrate signs and symptoms of dementia themselves. I have never met a caregiver who wasn't completely shocked by the amount of effort it took to care for their aging loved one and this goes double when the loved one is demented. They become guilt-ridden, short-tempered, resentful, and/or just gravely ill from the amount of effort it takes. Being in a community of individuals who share their needs is not worse than being with someone who is absolutely exhausted and spent from caring for you. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your parents.