Sexual Assault Survivors Support

articulate and share your experience is much appreciated. You have a capacity to express yourself well and there seem to be potential insights and seeds contained within.

You may realize that, even if you are feeling isolated, you are not at all alone in your suffering. It seems you might be expending much energy on railing against it when, in one way or another, and no matter how some people are capable of running a good facade about it, the way we are conditioned, (one way or another) reveals that living is about problems, dissatisfaction, pain and suffering. That is something we all share in varying degrees.

I wish that you will keep writing and observing your own states with, at least, an open mind to what is processing and how it functions. If you are idealistic, perhaps consider relaxing them and consider the comparisons made as extremes interacting. I know that having a concept or picture that is so wonderful, and then comparing it to the stark realities of what is going on really can stir a lot of emotional energy up and that can stimulate the tapes of traumas which, once triggered, do seem like they are on auto-pilot. That's where you come in.

Can you pause for just a few moments, from time to time, when you remember and simply let go and let things be just as they are as if you could just let them go without comparison? We're talking only a few moments of relaxed, peaceful nothing; not thinking or trying or worrying. If this is something you can do for yourself, you may find that first, it will bring almost a polarized contrast to the hellish experiences you've been experiencing, but the benefit is that you have something that is not an opposite or desired thing or situation to come to relax fully into.

Stay where you are and do nothing but relax when you remember to. No need to make it a must or a should at all.

One last thing: Asking why has proven to have very little use to me. Oh, when I want to know why the car stopped running, I will ask why. I have to find out what to do to make it run again. One "why" to ask is why you think that finding out causes and reasons will actually change the situation or even make it better or more tolerable. One can get stuck in a world of "whys" that, you may have noticed, do not resolve. The way to resolve them can be to let that form of questioning go; maybe shifting to "how" can be more useful so that you can find the peace and resolve that matters more than the day-to-day whirl of energy that we interpret from the map we have.

Rest assured that hell worlds are not permanent, though part of the hell is that they do feel tangibly like forever sometimes. What can be useful is to remember that you are not a frozen thing. We are all actually a dynamic process and have been all along. Rather than a statue of an ego that formed from all that conditioning, (that continues to function by captivating your emotions with reactivity) The resolution is within you, as has been said.

Can you get a sense of yourself as a flowing river of experiences, even in the midst of this crises and with those memories you want to also resolve and flow rather than block and damn? If your river has been flowing through dark jungles, it will eventually flow out of them and you might find that you don't need to cling to the rocks so hard when the beauty of the ocean you came from as rain awaits.

Maybe you could share some of the things you have enjoyed, (if that does not feel uncomfortable) through the long and difficult journey you have had? Also, what simple things or changes do you think might make it easier for you to relax and flow and let go in a way that brings deep relief and a resolution that allows new states and perspectives?

I'm not writing this response from a lofty place that is distant from your experience. I'm sharing my perspective from quite a difficult, tumultuous and traumatic journey and circumstance as well. Again, relax deeply once in a while, only when you can and notice what is with a clear awareness.

Good fortune!