im doomed [View all]

going to lose the only safe place I have managed to have on this planet of horror.
I met with my mom sisters and therapist today at noon.My sisters were lying about me,saying I hit my mom which was not done,and they were so smug,manipulating and just slimy. I tried my best not to freak,but dammit the lying and accusing didit,they never want to listen and I was trying to explain why my life is stunted,growing up in mental hospitals,I have a steep learning curve to be 'normal' etc.ect. they have no sense of compassion,and after I tried to tell them why I was so scared, they lied and lied twisted my heart up and it felt like being shot by 1000 arrows.

I freaked,and left the room with my therapist.Went into another small room. my therapist talked to me, helped me to ground I am still so scared,my family all they care about is control control and money the games they play,crazymaking that hurts,I swear If they force me anymore I don't know if I can take it. I just want a safe place(like here) and to push my toxic sisters out of my life forever.

There is no safe place for me in this evil vicious psychopath filled world.I have tried and tried to find one. Now that I have they want to take it away! During the meeting my sisters were rolling their eyes and telling me to be quiet, they did not care or listen to what I had to say, they constantly interrupted me,talked over me,like I had no right or say in my own future! The arrogance and hypocraisy,I HATE my family they make me crazy.
At least my therapist knew they lied and were being cruel to me,she saw it..

I hope death comes to take me sooner rather than later,I dunno how much more pain and assholinessI can take and survive,my life has been one trauma after another. My therapist gave me a cute little stuffed platypus,since I was switching like hell,I got home and was hearing people banging the door,the house,I was scared it was them. I'm so tired but I can't rest. The vilagence I can't turn it off. My body is so hot. I keep replaying the future,and it's terrifying..I was almost raped in group homes,staff were perverts,other residents tried to rape,and my sisters don't listen to Why I am terrified, of going to group homes they want me to go back to a group home.I kept hearing those bangs on the door windows while so tired,trying to sleep it scared me over and over like a trigger.My sisters they have been coming in here to 'check'when I am not here they admitted that in the meeting.I don't write a journal; because of this invasiveness of the family..If I can't sleep by tomorrow I may ask to go inpatient.I bounce between being numb,wanting to die,wanting to cut and wanting to just flee ,so tired but I have nowhere to run to. I hate life. thank you guys for listening even if I'm sounding weird right now thanks.