The Compassion Files: Forgiveness [View all]

I'm not very knowledgeable about Buddhism, but I do know this: holding a grudge is not wholesome.

I've gone through some bad times in my life, probably like most people. Some people did bad things to me when I was growing up that caused me a particularly intense round of suffering through the decade of my twenties. But I got through all of that and managed to forgive them. That took me another decade, but it felt very good letting all of that pain go. I still know those people, but when I am in their presence now I can honestly say that I feel no anger or hatred.

So I kind of thought that I was through with that sort of thing, not just for those who have wronged me, but also for myself and all of humanity. Understanding how I had hurt people in the past helped me open up my heart to a greater degree for everyone. If I was going to hate someone for what they had done to me I was going to have to hate myself as well if I wasn't going to be a hypocrite, because I am certainly no angel.

But something toxic has been creeping into my consciousness, lately. Last July I got fired from a job due to someone playing political games in the workplace. I was a good worker, but I think this person felt threatened by me because I had more education than him. I had no intentions of trying to climb over anyone on the corporate ladder. I was content to be doing just what I was doing and this guy was sort of my boss. It's just ego games. We probably all understand here that if you are heavily identified with the ego you are going to feel insecure.

Well, that pissed me off, but it has worked out okay. I found a job a month later working less and making more. I also work by myself now so I don't have to worry about people trying to mess with my job. As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing all is well. I've only talked to my boss a handful of times since I started working there and I've only seen him once. Everything is copacetic.

But I was just sitting here reading tonight and I suddenly felt some resentment for what that guy did to me at the other job. I thought I had put it behind me, but I realize now that I had not forgiven him. I was attentive to the way it made me feel. It was like someone had injected some poison into my psyche and it was starting to burn with hate and anger. It was destroying the serenity of my peaceful night here with my books. I started to fantasize about meeting him around town by chance and giving him a piece of my mind. This has got to stop.

That resentment has been with me ever since I was fired, but I have not been conscious enough of it to forgive the guy and let it go.