“Does death change a mother’s personal census?” For her, it doesn’t.

It was an innocuous question. A question I’ve fielded a million times. A question that has never required a pause or a moment of thought.

How many children do you have?

My stomach flipped. My throat closed. Eventually I managed an answer, though those long seconds before my reply probably did not go unnoticed. Not that it mattered. Not that I cared. I owed the stranger no explanation.

Even so, the question lingered in the air for the rest of the afternoon and chased me all the way home. It sat next to me while I watched TV. Later it crawled under the covers and settled on my pillow, but without going to sleep.

When you lose a child, does she still make the count? Does death change a mother’s personal census?

For grieving parents, this dilemma is real. What surprised me — once I was calm enough to think about it — was the fact that it had taken so long for me to be confronted with the question. My daughter, the eldest of five, died in August, on a sweltering hot Friday that now feels, paradoxically, both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. That it took all these months for me to be put in this spot speaks volume about these surreal times....