Does the passing of one's parents really get to you as you, yourself, age? [View all]

Sept of 2015 we lost my wife's father suddenly and unexpectedly. He'd just retired in May from his long-standing job in Vegas and finally moved to FL to be w/us and his grandkids. He actually lived with us all that summer. My wife's brother also lives with us and he'd found his father dead, in bed, when he came home from work one day (we were out with the kids doing something at the time). Found out he'd had a very enlarged heart and probably could have extended his life greatly if he'd been on medication. But, he was the type to never go to a Dr., ya know? My wife and her brother never got to say goodbye had recently argued w/him over stupid little stuff and they beat themselves up for a long time over that. I think they've healed mostly from that at this point.

Then, a month later, my own father who'd been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier but given a great prognosis suddenly became very ill and within a week I flew up to visit him and knew it was a matter of days at that point. I did get to say my goodbyes and thanked him for being a wonderful father and I can only hope I could live up to him.

Then, last year, I turned 50 and I've really been getting morose and thinking a lot about mortality and not being around to see the kids grow up and stupid-ass shit like listening to a song on the radio and going, 'why am I listening to this song when I could be listening to something else? why am I wasting my time like this'? And I keep thinking the next decade I hit I'll be 60 and then I'm like old but, honestly, and I've always been like this, in my mind I don't see myself as getting older. Right now, I identify with much younger co-workers better than I do others my age. And then I get to thinking I may not be here in 10-20 years and what am I going to miss out on and I try to value every second of every day but I get into a mode where I stop thinking about tomorrow. I don't plan for the future or dream dreams of what I want to do or places I want to see. I'm focusing too much on the past and how things were like when the kids were really little and wishing like mad (like Christopher Reeve in Somewhere in Time) to be able to turn that clock back and relive certain moments.

And then I realize I *am* wasting time again and the cycle begins again.

I need to break my mental rut and start thinking of dreams and plans again but it seems so hard at times.


*shrug*