Bereavement

It's good that you could at least put some of it down in writing...now you can look at it at a slight remove.

Please remember that your grandmother loved you. That's why she didn't want you to know she was dying, most likely. She wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, and just have a good time with you, and leave you without a fuss. She didn't want to add to your burdens. Perhaps that was a bit selfish of her, but she was dying. Please forgive her...there are no good ways to handle death that I'm aware of, regardless of on which side of that Great Divide you are standing at the moment.

And she loves you still. It's just on a different level.

Knowing that she loved you gives you a place to start unwinding and resolving issues. Best wishes and my deepest condolences.