environment. Grandmother, various uncles, etc., were preachers of the evangelical type. Very committed. I was so committed, I looked into going to school and becoming a preacher and was laughed out of the building (basically) because I was female. That was the last straw for me. A few years of personal seeking led me eventually to Paganism, Goddess-centered. In fact, I started out as Dianic and it felt quite right for a number of years. But a move and offering open classes showed me not all men were bad (gryn), and I actually learned a lot from them. So, I became a bit more relaxed and eclectic. And I've led a group of like-minded Solitaires for over 20 years now.
Like you, I came away in my beginnings of life with that "blueprint of the cosmos." I didn't exactly retain it, tho. During my time as a Seeker, I came to see that Supreme Deity as more an overarching energy force, which we renew upon deaths. Like you, I do see us as co-creators of the world. I think that's probably playing more with semantics than anything else, tho. It's just I don't picture it as male or female. It's amorphous to me. In that, I can fill it with whatever I need it to be... to me... at the time I need it; knowing that it's simply my limited mind that's doing it.
What I'm trying to come to grips with... which you seem to have already achieved... is that this amorphous energy isn't good or evil; it just "is"... and doesn't care two whits about anything. I'd already tried wrapping my head around this thought a little while back, and pushed it off to the side for a future meditation because the thought and its repercussions rattles me.
If you couldn't tell, I'm in the beginning stages of another "dark night of soul." Your message was quite timely, in that respect!
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