Weight Loss/Maintenance

I grew up in a home where the only time my parents were being nice was when they were giving us food. It was the only thing they gave freely - everything else had strings attached, including their affection. My mom was of the opinion that parents must feed their kids no matter what, so food was her primary way of caring for us. The rest of it she deeply resented, but not feeding us. It was also the only times she was mostly nice to us and showed some caring and selflessness. The rest of the time, my mom (a narcissist) was very selfish - with her time, money, affection...my dad too. They only cared about each other (very co-dependent) so mealtimes were the only times we were a 'family'. She also used treats to reward us or to bribe us - the rest of the time treats were severely restricted.
Then I became a teenager and she stopped using treats to make me happy and began to shame me for eating them instead. She was always obsessed with everyone's weight and so as a teen, I was bigger than her (she's small boned, and I'm not, my shoulders were always very wide compared to hers, and I'm very muscular) and she was horrified and began to shame me.

I guess it was around that time when I had a job and I could afford all kinds of junk food I began to 'treat' myself (in private to avoid shaming) to make myself feel better. On some level, eating junk food must've reminded me of being cared for as a child.

I struggle with this all the time. I can suppress it for months or even years, and then it rears up during times of stress. I'll eat healthy for years and then I spend 6 months 'treating' myself several times a week and I gain a ton of weight back. Very frustrating. I really need some counselling regarding this.

As for my own children - we have treats together, but we spend a lot of time together having fun and doing other things. I don't just 'care' for them at mealtimes, I 'care' for them all of the time. In fact, I think I've subconsciously made mealtimes very matter-of-fact so as not to make my kids link food with love. I spend a lot more time just listening to them, snuggling, hearing about their day, talking about their wants, needs, dreams...we are a family together, we are not 'parent' and 'kids' at different levels. Not to say I'm their 'friend' - I'm clearly their parent, but I don't make it so I elevate myself as a parent and make the kids feel like crap so I can control them (like my parents did).

The really bizarre and funny thing is my parents continued this way of treating children with my kids. And now my kids only associate time with grandma and grandpa with the foods they tend to serve. If I say we're going for a visit, they'll ask, "are we having wings or steak? Can we have a pop?" As soon as they are done eating, they want to go home, because my parents don't make them feel valued unless they are feeding them...just like they did with my brother and I. It's bizarre to see it from a distance.