reality where the anxiety and depression are not coming from outside or somewhere else?
What you are feeling may be perfectly normal for your situation in relationship to your own nature. Of course, you don't like it and that's fine, but it can rather easily become a vicious circle of conflicting emotions and habitual responses.
We are really good at forming habits to the point we don't even notice how that works. If you drive a care or ride a bike, just how often to you think about the process and and actions required to do it? If you see what I am getting at, then this can also apply to the conceptual and emotional patterns you are experiencing.
Do what you can to relax more and more. Don't try to, just do it. Pay attention to the patterns in an easygoing way and watch them more. Notice. Get into the feelings in the body more and let the thoughts play a bit until you can distract yourself calmly.
You can feed patterns just by trying to break them. You can break them or change their direction by seeing what triggers them and how they unfold. That's when you find a break and start doing something very different than you are used to -- just when the feelings or behavior start.
That way, you can start to resolve your conflicting emotions, (internal conflicts) because they are often what leads to the somatic responses of certain anxieties and depressions.
Breath deep and let go, relax, let it be. Pay more attention to all your senses, not just the repetitive nature of self-talk -- that's the pattern playing itself.
Keep in mind that it can take a little time and repetition to calm down, be more aware, and notice the results of the changes you are creating.
Talk to someone outside the situation from time to time, especially if they will assist you by feeding back any improvements you make.
Oh, and when you feel anxious, go with it. Be anxious. I mean that. Don't just let it ride and try to avoid it or put energy into trying to get rid of it. Be it to the point that you are seeing it start and feeling it as "emotional energy" that is getting sidetracked or blocked. That's one way to recondition yourself because the "anxiety" can just well-up, abide, and then release itself, (which can be a bit interesting) as you let it FLOW through you instead of blocking or resisting it.
Spend some time reading up and researching on various ways that people cope with your kind of situation and about people who have moved on and found out how to balance and relax deeply on a regular basis.
Hope that helps. Of course, it is meant as friendly advice and some personal tips I've used and you should see a professional for anything you feel requires that kind of help.
Good fortune! This could be a situation that will bring some growth, insight and peaceful changes to your state of mind and body if you let it and see it as transitional.
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