Introduction [View all]

Some of you may have seen my post in General Discussion

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027237747

My mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer but we do not yet know the extent of the cancer and are awaiting that information. My mom has an appointment with the oncologist next Wednesday and my two big sisters will be going with her. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother and I went with our father to Louisville Kentucky and my mother and two sisters remained in San Antonio where they are still today. I pains me not be at my moms side and it pains me that I did not make better efforts over the years to visit her. I feel like I didn't try to see her enough as I should have been. My brother and I would spend the summer break with her every year up to the time we both graduated from high school. As an adult I still made trips to see her but it has been more so in the last decade and perhaps more that I have been really negligent in making the time to see her. So I am relieved she has my sisters to be with her as she goes this and I am committed now to getting down there to spend as much time with as I can.

I am 42 years old and just had my first child, a little girl. My big brother is gay and has never wanted to have children so my mom was worried she wouldn't have any grandkids from either of her sons. I am so thankful that I was able to give her a beautiful granddaughter while she is still with us. Both of my sisters had two children, my oldest sister had two girls and the younger sister had a boy and a girl and all are well. My family has been fortunate to not have any major illness or tragedy. I have always been aware of this to the extent I have always been worried that I would not handle well any deep personal loss. Though I suppose it's not something you can or ever want to get used to anyway. One unfortunate side effect of growing up separated from my mother throughout most of my life is a slight numbness, like a delay in my feelings. I am actually more worried that I will not feel as much as I should if she happens to leave us but I don't want to get ahead of things so I will stop there.

I am unsure of how I should feel, how I should go about my daily life. What can I do for my mom and even my sisters from a distance, or at least until I can be with them. Is it normal for me to now feel a slight paranoia now about my own health?

We will know more soon and I will be pleased to share what we know here. I can tell that the feedback of community is very valuable and comforting. My thoughts have been all over the place and this is only the second day that we have known. I dreamt about my mom last night, and in the dream she was driving a car and picked me up from somewhere. It was unusual because I never dream about my mom. In the dream as I got in the car she motioned to the tape deck and said to put on whatever I want. Obviously we were in an older car and I had in my hand a CD Walkman and it just so happened to have a tape adapter which I placed in the cars tape deck. This is the song that was playing in the car as my mom drove. I had the unnerving thought that the dream and song may mean that I would not be far behind when that time comes, or maybe and more likely that when that time comes a part of me, her baby, will go with her. I know it's too early and not useful to think of the end but my mom has said she may decline surgery. I don't know, but I am glad I could share this.