Addiction & Recovery

I used to love it. In the beginning I know I was able to control it and stop without ever thinking about it i.e. some level of control. But over time, alcohol changed the chemical makeup of my body and I depended on it. But in my head, I always thought that I would be able to stop when “I needed to.” Well, that time came and I found that even when I needed to and wanted to, I couldn’t stop. And my need for booze got worse and worse.

I’m not a religious person, but I can remember waking up or coming-to every day, for years effectively “praying” that if there was a god, please let me just not drink today. I’d swear it off forever, every day. And the I’d mean it. But every day, come late afternoon or so, I’d think “I’m not that bad, I’ll just have a beer or something” and the cycle would start all over from there.

I realized that it was going to kill me and I was somewhat ok with that - like you. I have a family though, so I did some bargaining along the way with that same “if there is a god.” “Just let me live long enough to see a child get married, or get through college, etc etc.”

I used to think I would miss out on good times if I quit drinking also, but in the end, it was me, sitting alone in a room drinking straight out of a handle of vodka that I took the carburetor off of so I could drink it faster, wishing I was dead.

That is when I did what you are doing. I started asking for help. I went to AA many times - this was a condition made to me by my wife in order for her not to leave me and take the kids. I took chips countless times and had various degrees or spurts of dry spells. But it never stuck for more than 6 mos. I’d take “just one drink” ‘cause I’ve been doing so well or deserved it - and then it was off to the races.

I can say this: if you are the type of alcoholic that I am, it always gets worse, never better.

I eventually had to do a 28-day rehab program that was 12-step based, had trained medical personnel that helped me to get off of booze safely, and focused on counseling to get me to rethink how to approach my addiction.

That led to me going to AA meetings, NA meetings, CA meetings, whatever I could find, wherever I could find them - all with the goal of just keeping me around other sober addicts and looking for someplace to ground myself. I did eventually find that AA was most identifiable for me and I started to make friends there. That was the real difference for me A) finding THE RIGHT place, that is not judgmental, does not jam god down your throat, and that is supportive and knows what it’s like to be an alcoholic.
B) finding sober friends who were more like me than not.
Today, I’ve been sober for multiple+ years. I haven’t been to an AA meeting since Covid started, but I still have all those sober friends I’ve made over the years, and they are pretty much the only real friends I have. And I mean that. Real friends. People who will drop anything they are doing and rush to help me or go out of their way just to check in. And I would do the same. People I am 100% honest with and are the same with me. It’s almost like we all went through a horrible, traumatic event together and that led to a lifelong bond. That has what has kept me sober more than anything else.

This is just my experience and I know AA is not for everyone. There are many programs and methods out there. It’s not easy, but find one.

The only real advice I can offer is don’t ever give up. Keep trying.