Feminists

"Over the years, pubic hair has gone from the very least of a woman's worries - when I was 17, around BritPop, the idea of waxing your bikini line was bizarre, marginal, for porn models only - to a pretty routine part of "self-care". Pubic hair must be confined to a very small area, or, increasingly, removed completely. The industry standard pop-video crotch shots of girls in bikinis make it very, very clear: there should be nothing there. It must be smooth. Empty. You must clean this area of fur. To see even a single hair, curling out the side, would be to have the whole world going "Is that a PUBE I can see? A PUBE, Lady Gaga?"

Whilst some use the euphemism "Brazilian" to describe this state of affairs, I prefer to call it what it is - "a ruinously high-maintenance, itchy, cold-looking child's fanny".

In fact, in recent years I have become more and more didactic about pubic hair- to the point where I now believe that there are only four things a grown, modern woman should have: a pair of yellow shoes (they unexpectedly go with everything), a friend who will come and post bail at 4am, a failsafe pie recipe, and a proper muff. A big, hairy minge. A lovely furry moof that looks - when she sits, naked - as if she has a marmoset sitting in her lap. A tame marmoset, that she can send off to pickpocket things, should she so need it - like that trained monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I am aware that my views on waxing run contrary to current thinking. As far as pubic hair is concerned, I am like someone sitting in a pub, tearfully recalling how exciting it was to go into Woolworth's and buy the new Adam Ant single on seven-inch vinyl. I am "vagina retro".