HAMILTON, ON - International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coffee and donuts for the benefit of their global shareholders.

“We could not be more proud that we have made it to 50 years of servicing the Canadian market with the vague notions of hockey and ‘Canadianness’ that have allowed us to generate over $3 billion in revenues annually,” said Vice President of Marketing Darryl Hanson.

“Tim Hortons was the first to realize that Canada’s inherent lack of a shared definition of national identity allowed room for a business that is wholly uninterested in anything other than making money, to insert itself as a patriotic placeholder through a well thought-out media strategy,” Hanson continued. “Our research shows it was effective to the point where people know more about Roll Up the Rim to Win than they do about Canada’s confederation back in eighteen-sixty-whatever-it-was.”