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In reply to the discussion: I feel responsible [View all]

mnhtnbb

(33,360 posts)
19. Sending you light and love Ziggysmom.
Wed Feb 11, 2026, 07:31 AM
Feb 11

Please do not hold yourself responsible. I had to put my 90 year old father in memory care 25 years ago. Found him on the floor one Sunday afternoon when my husband and I had gone to visit and watch a football game with him. Ended up moving him to another facility recommended by his MD for skilled nursing care. He was confined to a wheelchair at that point to prevent more falls.
I don't know what the standard of practice is now once dementia patients start having falls. But I can tell you that after several months confined to a wheelchair, unable to feed himself, use the remote for the TV, or read, he decided to stop eating and I supported his decision. He went into a coma after 3 days. I sat with him and read to him on the last day, but had to go home to get dinner for my boys. Planned to pick my husband up at the airport and then return to his bedside. I got a call at 8 pm that he'd regained consciousness and come quickly. When I got there 20 minutes later, he was gone. I have heard other stories that often people who are dying will hold on until their loved ones aren't with them, to let go. We'll never know.
You did the best you could. Please don't hold yourself responsible.

Recommendations

3 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

I feel responsible [View all] Ziggysmom Feb 11 OP
honestly, I would get a lawyer Skittles Feb 11 #1
Yes, it always seems so sudden. Figarosmom Feb 11 #2
yes Skittles Feb 11 #4
You need all your energy for you right now. I'm sure no one will be offended... 3catwoman3 Feb 11 #3
I hope that you can be at peace. essaynnc Feb 11 #5
This is not your fault Bayard Feb 11 #6
I am so very sorry Ziggysmom, JMCKUSICK Feb 11 #7
My deepest condolences, Ziggysmom. HeartsCanHope Feb 11 #8
I wish we could all hug you, literally. Not just with words. calimary Feb 11 #9
It's hard not to feel guilty when you lose a loved one who depended are your care and judgement. Ilikepurple Feb 11 #10
I am so sorry. It is not your fault. You did what should have been best for him; LoisB Feb 11 #11
You are in our prayers RainCaster Feb 11 #12
Ziggysmom, you are not responsible. Prairie_Seagull Feb 11 #13
Holding you in love and light. Remember that your DU family is here niyad Feb 11 #14
My heart goes out to you stage left Feb 11 #15
Do not blame yourself, you did everything you could. Grumpy Old Guy Feb 11 #16
i'm so sorry this happened. orleans Feb 11 #17
Please allow yourself some grace. 10 Turtle Day Feb 11 #18
Sending you light and love Ziggysmom. mnhtnbb Feb 11 #19
You did what you could with what was available. OldBaldy1701E Feb 11 #20
🕯💙🌷 quaint Feb 11 #21
I am so sorry. Solly Mack Feb 11 #22
Oh, Ziggysmom. I am so sorry for you and your husband. May the memories of your dear husband be a blessing to you. Love, debm55 Feb 11 #23
Please say to yourself some_of_us_are_sane Feb 11 #24
I thought I rsponded to you soon after you posted...but maybe it stayed in Preview and not posted... electric_blue68 Feb 11 #25
I am very sorry. I cannot change how you feel about your role, but in my opinion you did everything I would have done. NNadir Feb 11 #26
Yu did right SuzyandPuffpuff Feb 11 #27
My deepest sympathy. Yes, see an attorney. sinkingfeeling Feb 11 #28
Peace. cachukis Feb 11 #29
You did nothing wrong Alice Kramden Feb 11 #30
Most nursing homes are drastically underfunded PoindexterOglethorpe Feb 12 #31
Memory care units are supposed to have more attentive care, not less, so please don't blame yourself. JudyM Feb 12 #32
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