The DU Lounge

enough

(13,682 posts)

5. This heartbreaking moment is truly an important accomplishment.

Tue Dec 23, 2025, 02:11 PM

Yesterday

I went through something similar when taking care of my father and mother who both had dementia. I wanted to keep them together in their home, but he became dangerous to her because he was very large and strong while she was frail. The first days after he moved into the facility were a nightmare of guilt and uncertainty for me. After a few days I realized that he was actually calmer and more content in the new place. The well organized routine seemed to make him less anxious and angry.

Good luck and strength to you.

Edit history

Please sign in to view edit histories.

Recommendations

29 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

88 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

Well, it's done. My husband is in a memory care facility. The first 24 hours [View all] Ziggysmom Yesterday OP

Sweetie, you did the right thing. SheltieLover Yesterday #1

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You cared for him out of love and you put him in the facility out of love. CousinIT Yesterday #2

You're doing the best thing for you and your husband, even though he might not think so. Perhaps the SWBTATTReg Yesterday #3

Some good advice re the memory care place. electric_blue68 23 hrs ago #67

Hugs to you Duncanpup Yesterday #4

This heartbreaking moment is truly an important accomplishment. enough Yesterday #5

Had to send my Mom to a memory care facility because she had become too confused to live at home Ocelot II Yesterday #6

Oh, my dear. I have no advice except to say please know you have done the right thing for him, Scrivener7 Yesterday #7

You identified the key issue. You couldn't function anymore Raven123 Yesterday #8

I worked in a short-term psych facility years ago TBF Yesterday #9

Comfort and acceptance a nurse gave me Marthe48 Yesterday #10

100% certain you are doing the right thing. Irish_Dem Yesterday #11

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS OF SUPPORT! Ziggysmom Yesterday #12

Good on him... CousinIT 23 hrs ago #70

I'm sorry you're going through this JoseBalow Yesterday #13

No personal experience, but have you tried the Seniors forum? Wounded Bear Yesterday #14

Everyone has said what I wanted to say! OldBaldy1701E Yesterday #15

This message was self-deleted by its author Tetrachloride Yesterday #16

Ziggysmom, please try to look at it this way... LuckyCharms Yesterday #17

You are doing the right thing. murielm99 Yesterday #18

One of the things this place is really good for: moral support. calimary Yesterday #19

Yes, and you are doing the right thing relayerbob Yesterday #20

Dear Ziggysmom Niagara Yesterday #21

I can't offer any helpful advice; I read such posts with interest myself because every day brings me closer to the day eppur_se_muova Yesterday #22

You cannot help him bluescribbler Yesterday #23

You aren't a failure you just faced reality. Every Sat for ten years we drove an hour to visit my twodogsbarking Yesterday #24

Love to you, Ziggysmom. littlemissmartypants Yesterday #25

Please don't let the guilt take you Easterncedar Yesterday #26

The other thing you should know: Irish_Dem Yesterday #27

Irish_Dem is correct. TomSlick 23 hrs ago #65

Thanks Tom. I know you have seen this kind of situation go sideways fast Irish_Dem 23 hrs ago #68

Oh how my heart goes out to you Ziggysmom! You have been lovingly hoeing this tough tough row for so long and now this KitFox Yesterday #28

Going through this with my mom right now. Botany Yesterday #29

Hugs to you. sinkingfeeling Yesterday #30

Please don't beat yourself up.. please! mountain grammy Yesterday #31

You are not alone. JustinBulletin Yesterday #32

You did the right thing. He will be angry for a while. Linda ladeewolf Yesterday #33

Care giver or wife? Dear_Prudence Yesterday #34

You did the right thing for yourself and most importantly, for your husband. MIButterfly Yesterday #35

Safety first, for yourself and your husband. Much comfort to you both for the holidays and beyond 💚 Clouds Passing Yesterday #36

First off, I'm so sorry Katcat Yesterday #37

You did the right thing cate94 Yesterday #38

All I can give you is this. mwmisses4289 Yesterday #39

As SheltieLover said, you did the right thing irisblue Yesterday #40

Take care, Ziggysmom otchmoson Yesterday #41

Guilt comes with the territory xuplate Yesterday #42

It's ok to give up the caretaker role and go back to being a spouse angrycaveman Yesterday #43

It's so hard, but you hung in there until there was no other choice. tanyev Yesterday #44

I can't imagine how you feel Sailingdiver Yesterday #45

Time is the best and hardest method. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty. He is with trained and empathetic ... marble falls Yesterday #46

Hugs to you, you did what was necessary for him ascwell as you. Srkdqltr Yesterday #47

If Alzheimer's ... IbogaProject Yesterday #48

Be gentle to yourself justsomeguy01 Yesterday #49

My suggestion to you is visit him as much as you can. That's about the only thing you can do. Fil1957 Yesterday #50

My heart goes out to you. Hope22 Yesterday #51

When my dad started having aggressive confusion episodes KS Toronado Yesterday #52

Your really had no choice, Tesha Yesterday #53

Do not feel guilty ms.pamela Yesterday #54

My mom and her sisters tried to keep my grandmother at home. HeartsCanHope Yesterday #55

Are you able to visit him often, like several times a week? FakeNoose Yesterday #56

See if the staff social worker or whomever has suggestions. 3Hotdogs Yesterday #57

Hugs to you in making this life-altering decision stollen Yesterday #58

Oh, my dear. I wish I could hug you. You did the right thing. Joinfortmill Yesterday #59

You've done well and him a favor. Festivito Yesterday #60

Hang in there. D00ver66 Yesterday #61

My friend had to put her husband in a facility days before their 50th anninversary. TNNurse Yesterday #62

You've received so much valuable affirmation here and there's badhair77 Yesterday #63

I'm reading your message, and all the repliles, slightlv Yesterday #64

Blessings to you on this difficult journey Richluu 23 hrs ago #66

For both your safety and his you had to do it, even with your understandable feelings... electric_blue68 23 hrs ago #69

There is a book which might help lonely bird 22 hrs ago #71

Hugs! radical noodle 22 hrs ago #72

You're human GAJMac 22 hrs ago #73

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but you did the right thing. Trueblue Texan 21 hrs ago #74

you did the right thing, and chaos in the first 24 hours is to be expected Skittles 21 hrs ago #75

Oh, Ziggysmom, I'm so very sorry. hamsterjill 20 hrs ago #76

Bring some of his favorite foods for Christmas and leave some with staff to give him. Liberty Belle 20 hrs ago #77

You've done the right thing, for him more than yourself. Ilsa 19 hrs ago #78

Breathe Deeply, light a candle, put your feet up. Teacher of the Year 19 hrs ago #79

I have nothing to offer except respect for the fact that you handled it for five years and had the LoisB 19 hrs ago #80

Doing what is best for dear husband rather than what he or you may want takes the most love ❤️. MLAA 18 hrs ago #81

You have done the right thing. PoindexterOglethorpe 18 hrs ago #82

I have no words other than, my heart truly goes out to you Woodycall 16 hrs ago #83

NEVER doubt your decision WinstonSmith4740 10 hrs ago #84

You have done the best for him. TygrBright 9 hrs ago #85

I'll be traveling down this road myself someday Omaha Steve 9 hrs ago #86

You need a really big hug malaise 7 hrs ago #87

Memory care maliaSmith 7 hrs ago #88