This excerpt appears in a very irreverent article on a website called, "Cracked." [View all]

"Tibor Rubin was born to a poor Jewish family in Hungary at precisely the worst point in the country's history to do such a thing. At the age of 15 he was sent to the infamous Mauthausen concentration camp, where an SS captain told the new arrivals, "None of you will get out of here alive." Rubin quipped "Nice fellow" to the guy next to him, and then proceeded to prove that SS captain wrong -- unlike 150,000 others at Mauthausen, as well as Rubin's own father, mother, and sister, who never made it out of their respective camps.

When American troops liberated Mauthausen, Rubin vowed to show his gratitude to the country that had saved him. He did so by volunteering to fight in the Korean War, where he proved himself to be an undeniable badass again and again. He started by single-handedly holding off a veritable tidal wave of North Korean troops for 24 goddamned hours, to give the rest of his regiment time to retreat.

He paused only to pee and to enter a Tom Hardy look-a-like contest.

He followed that up by manning a .30 caliber machine gun after its three previous gunners had been shot down, and continued to fire that sumbitch clear through the night and into the next day, until he ran out of ammo and was captured by the Chinese.

His captors offered to release him if he returned to his native Hungary, which is pretty much the sweetest deal a POW can hope for: "We'll set you free if you just go home and stop kicking our asses!" is a hard deal to turn down. And yet, Rubin refused ... and instead proceeded to sneak out of the prison camp each night (at risk of certain execution) to steal food and much-needed medical supplies for the comfort of his fellow POWs. He kept it up for two-and-a-half years.

And we can safely assume he was also banging the commandant's daughter.

Unfortunately, Rubin's sergeant repeatedly circular-filed recommendations from his superiors that Rubin receive the Medal Of Honor. It was a slight that would go uncorrected until 2005, when president George W. Bush retroactively awarded him the long-deserved accolade. The son of a bitch even made George W. Bush look good."

Apparently, Rubin's sergeant was a miserable and petty anti-Semite whose idea of an accomplishment was to stand in the way of recognizing courage and sacrifice if it came in a flavor that he didn't like.