The Stuff

You all know what I mean. The Stuff, the accumulated detritus of sixty, seventy, eighty years of adult consumerism and a Depression Era childhood. The plastic bags thriftily stuffed into every cranny under the sink, or the rusty, creaky, unopenable 60 year old Band-aid box (It's metal!!), or the packet of Lipton instant soup (vegetable noodle flavor) that is so old and caked that it's stuck to the cabinet shelf. The 60s era poly-cotton sheets that are (mostly) now poly threads with a smattering of cotton fibers here and there, the dresses that haven't fit in 40 years still in the closet, the shoes without heels, the drawer full of decades old odd socks. Ya know, The Stuff. The Stuff that is the source of Ebay.

I have an advantage over a lot of people -- when I moved Gran into assisted living, I picked her up and brought her 1000 miles from her glorious Palace of Stuff.* We made the trip with only the critical Stuff that fit in the back seat and boot of my Soul, plus a reasonable assortment of new, sturdy clothes, furniture and finishings that I bought here. However, I left all the Stuff, and will have to go deal with it soon.

To be honest, there is no dealing with The Stuff if the person is still living in the space with The Stuff. Especially when dealing with cognitive issues, The Stuff takes on a talismanic force, in that it can trigger fading memory or cognitive organization. The problem with that is The Stuff is also an overwhelming force, because everything either triggers a memory, or triggers a memory of a memory. That latter is the more problematic for the elder, because zie knows that Stuff Item #8438 is important but doesn't know why. That is not only overwhelming, but traumatic, because it's a reminder that the world has ceased to be controllable. That's a problem.

I am coming to the opinion, via a lot of anecdote that may actually become data at some point, that when The Stuff hits critical mass, The Stuff itself is an indicator that it's time for care. The key component of the critical mass is what Ros Chast calls grime -- the deep-seated and universal dirt, goo and ick that indicates that fatigue and failing cognition have won out over the evolutionary survival skill of "Don't Shit Where You Eat." If you're trying to decide that your elder needs care, consider not only falling, medication compliance and illnesses, but how well zie can maintain zir environment. If it's something a bi-weekly appointment with a cleaner can handle, then okay, that might not be an indicator. (Hey, being young doesn't prevent being a sloven.) If it's going to take a reality TV crew, a hazmat team or structural engineering, it may be an indicator.

My personal plan for my gran's Stuff is to make my sisters claim the Stuff they want, make them move it, and then call in an estate sale company. I personally don't see the point of keeping any of it, but whatever sentimentality I had has gone out the window. My philosophy now is that there is absolutely nothing on earth worth fighting over, and if other people have the spare energy to work up a fight, then that's their business to work out. When the bloodied, battered combatants (either metaphorically or literally in my family, you can never tell) return to me to tell me who the victor is, I'll hand the thing over, but I am not getting involved in that decision. If they can't work it out in a reasonable time frame, the thing gets sold and they each get half.

I'm working up a rubric of decision making when it comes to the Stuff. Please, if you've got something I missed, contribute because The Stuff is one of those things that we all deal with, and all hate to deal with.

1. Is it paper? If Yes, go to 2. If No, go to 13.
2. Is it a tax form? If Yes, go to 3. If No, go to 4.
3. Is it more than 7 years old? If Yes, go to 8. If No, go to 4.
4. Is it a current bill to be paid? If Yes, go to 5. If No, go to 9.
5. Is the bill paid? If Yes, go to 8. If No, go to 6, or 10 or 11.
6. Is the bill more than 3 years old? If Yes, go to 7, then 12. If No, go to 10 or 11.
7. Is it the most recent bill? If Yes, go to 10 or 11. If No, go to 8.
8. Trash it.
9. Is it something the IRS might want to see in the next 6 years? (Real estate, medical billing, major purchase information). If Yes, go to 10. If No, go to 8.
10. Pay, then file it or scan to meaningfully named digital file.
11. Pay the bill when possible.
12. If it's not a student loan or a tax lien, then why am I worried about zir credit? Go to 8.
13. Is the object perishable? If Yes, go to 8. If No, go to 14.
14. Is it a textile? If yes, go to 15. If no, go to 20.
15. Is it stained, ripped, patched, shattered, or otherwise damaged? If Yes, go to 8. If No, go to 16.
16. Is it 1960s/1970s polyester? If yes, go to 17. If no, go to 18.
17. It is never going away. It will be here when the Sun expands and engulfs the earth. In a million years, the hyper-intelligent descendants of horseshoe crabs will excavate a layer of pristine polyester from the ground and name us the WTFery era. Go to 8.
18. Is it hand-sewn? If yes, consider Ebay or a vintage/antique clothing merchant. It might pay for a semester's worth of books for the next college-bound young adult in the family. If no, go to 19.
19. If you've got retro-fetishists around, you might offer it to them, or to an auction service. Expect a return that will pay for a quick service meal, at best. Otherwise, thrift store.
20. Is it an actual antique? (more than 75 years old) If yes, go to 21. If no, go to 24.
22. Is it a known valuable -- coins, art, china, crystal, musical instruments, silver? If yes, go to 23. If no, go to 24.
23. Set aside for appraiser, then auction.
24. Is it a mass manufactured object that happens to be old? If yes, go to 25. If no & small, go to 26. If no and large (requires a dolly or bigger), go to 34.
25. There are people who will collect anything. Put it in the Ebay pile.
26. Was it made by a family member? If yes, go to 27. If No, go to 8.
27. Does anyone in the family want it? If yes, go to 28. If No, go to 8.
28. Do two or more people want it? If yes, go to 29. If no, give it to the sucker ^H^H^H^H lucky heir and be glad it's No Longer Your Problem.
29. Are you one of the people who wants it? if yes, go to 30. If no, go to 33.
30. Is it something your child/heir will truly want in 25 years, or will they apply this rubric to it? If they will want it, go to 31. If the rubric will come into it, see the NO instruction of 28.
31. Are you the physically fittest of those who want it, or do you have champion willing to fight on your behalf? If yes, go to 33. If no, go to 32.
32. You have an elder who is taking up a good chunk of your time, energy and money. Do you really have the spare cycles to fight with a relative? It's a thing you will have to dust and you've already got lots of those. Generate some good will and go to the NO instruction on 28. You might need that person for respite when the literally shitty days come down.
33. CAGE MATCH! Two will enter the Thunderdome, but only one will leave! Sell tickets. (What? Assisted living is expensive. Turn a profit whenever possible. Just make sure the match is sanctioned by your state agency, and that the bookies give you a cut.)
34. Is it furniture? If yes, go to 35. If no, go to 36.
35. Is it too fragile to move? If yes, go to 8. If no, go to 27 and follow from there.
36. Is it an automobile or other motor powered device that has a title? If yes, go to 37. If no, go to 39.
37. Is it paid off? If yes, go to 23. If no, go to 38.
38. Does someone want to assume payments for it and transfer title? If yes, see instructions on 28 No. If no, call bank and make arrangements to relinquish. See 12.
39. Is it real property (house, land, condo)? If yes, go to 40. If no, go to 42.
40. Is it paid off? If yes, go to 23. If no, go to 41.
41. Is it under water? If yes, go to 38. If no, see real estate agent. The key phrases are "Motivated Seller" and "As Is." Price it low.
42. Congratulations! You have encountered the White Elephant of Unusual Size. This is an object that defies classification, moving trucks and all known laws of property. In all likelihood, this is a Family Heirloom that curses the current owner into trying to figure out what to do with the fershlugginer thing, or which must be decorated around. It is known to cause family outbreaks of discord, either of the "everyone wants it" variety, or of the "who has to live with it this year" variety. If possible, destroy it with fire, water or defenestration to prevent another generation's madness. Please claim "accident" when asked what happened to placate the gods of White Elephants.

*NB: It's not just her Stuff in her old house; it's also the accumulation of 135 years of a family of mostly farmers, who combined thrifty and resourceful with unusual amounts of storage space. There's my great-grandparents' stuff, and his parents' Stuff, and a lot of cousins', aunts', uncles' and near-nuffs' Stuff. Staggering quantities of Stuff, sometimes in archeological layers.