grief over losing my husband.

Life can be too damned hard. I wish you healing and rest.

I can understand a bit of what you have/are going through. Though, I’m not comparing y situation to yours which is much more difficult and painful. My husband is nearly 25 years older. In the last few years his memory has declined considerably to the extent that I don’t like to leave him alone for more than an hour or two. The silver lining is that he is as kind, sweet and funny as ever. It’s just hard always repeating things and finding things he has put away in the oddest places. But the hardest thing by far is that I know longer have a partner to discuss decisions with and at some part will have no partner at all.

Sending you

given a bed bath, getting her disposable panty changed. (Who are we kidding? It was a diaper.) She became paranoid, uncooperative, combative, etc. The worst of her personality was what we were left with.

You were probably sleep deprived and constantly stressed. I’ve been sleep deprived for a few weeks or month when husband had heart surgery and then hip surgery but did not have to face the challenges of dementia.

You are a 😇

I'm just trying to stay alive until I can no longer care for him.

You deserve it and need it to keep going.

Ilsa Ilsa

bed earlier than usual, and go to a church bizaar in the morning.

handle all you have been through. You are a brave and strong woman.

Wonderful idea. My heart hurts for you because I know how you feel. Being with people you know helps so much. Bless you!

Are you able to hire someone once in a while so you can get a break?

Blessed be the helpers ( you) ❤️

I can't imagine the feeling of loss. Try and take care of yourself now.

and healing thoughts. I know there are no words to make it better.

I know something of this, too, although your ordeal is among the worst I’ve heard of. I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost and for all you have suffered and are suffering still.

To the extent you can, please rest. Don’t ask anything of yourself, be gentle to yourself. Just be. Howl if you want to.

Love, peace and hugs.

Be very kind to yourself. You, and our Ilsa, too.

You’ve been through so much. It’s depleting. It’s depleting of your energy, your fortitude, your patience, and your sense of self. When you focus all your attention and effort on someone else’s needs, especially needs as grave as in this case, there’s a huge cost. It leaves you feeling emptied out. Like you’ve given your all and there’s nothing left to sustain YOU.

Ilsa, you need time. YOU need time. Time to heal and restore. YOU need recovery time. You need time, sleep, relaxation, good food, treats, rest, and self-care. You need walks in nature. Good books. Good mindless TV. The History channel’s “Universe” series can REALLY take you away, past Earth orbit, past Galileo and other ancient thinkers and discoverers. You need friends and pets if you have ‘em, pals to walk with, have hot tea or cocoa or great coffee in some gossipy little coffee place with an atmosphere of congeniality. You need friends and crafts and play and release. You need friends to walk with and stretch with and get a massage with and maybe do meditations with. You need chocolate and

You need to be good and kind and gentle and loving TO YOURSELF. Maybe a pet if you don’t have one already? Maybe a getaway for a change of scenery and/or routine? What will feed your spirit? What sounds like it might be healing for you? Someone familiar and trusted who you feel comfortable with, who you can talk to? There are groups that collect around shared mourning, loss, pain, fading health. And many of them don’t require any entry fee.

What do YOU want to do now? Maybe make a list? List some practical ideas and some totally silly or outrageous or improbable. Churches have groups like that, including the more or less nondenominational ones.

Be with people, or spend time in solo reassessment. Do what’s going to feed and refill and restore. And try not to have any preconceptions about how long it’s going to take. Do not burden yourself with any “should’s” or “ought to’s” or “why aren’t I over this by now’s”. It’s just gonna take whatever time it takes.

And there’s always HERE. At DU. I want to share my own experience after my mom died after what seemed like a never-ending illness. I was sitting alone, sorta aimlessly strumming through DU late that night. And I posted a brief comment about it. Didn’t expect anything. By the time I finished my post, there suddenly popped up a response. And then another. And then several more. And then even more. It was astounding! Before I realized it, there were 200-and-some posts - from familiar DUers and others I’d never heard of before. EVERY one of them offered comfort, solace, sharing of burden and pain, sympathy and empathy and love and caring. It was so healing, I still can’t describe fully what it meant to me, even after all these years, and she passed on November 1st, 2006.

A thread like this will let you know you are not alone, and that you are not walking or struggling your way along this path alone, and that you’re loved and cared about.

My dogs are not eating well. They miss him. One won't hardly leave my bedroom. The other has been moping around, barely eating dog food.

Oh, yes, thank you, all of those ideas of "treats" appeal to me

Just a thought. Our surviving cat turned out to be remarkably loving to the later-arrival kittens. I realize I’m talking cats here and you’re on dogs. But the way the older one adapted almost instantly to the two new little litter-mates. Started giving them baths whenever they’d approach him, which was often. That grooming behavior continues to this day.

It was a real surprise! Not what we were expecting! But no screaching or cat fights, and they sleep together or very close to each other.

He's neutered but he has security issues. Both are rescues.

I work a bit with a Council on Aging and have learned about lots of support groups.

Just having others to talk to - whether close by or around the world can help.

Also there may be some groups that help match caregivers with each other to provide respite.

I just learned that Medicare offers respite funding. The hard thing is finding others that can provide care.

three months until my spouse died. The hospice agency found found emergency respite, but she had to bounce back home. It was all very freaky and unnerving.

And when you feel like it, a little light fun.
Hugs

Focus on healing yourself. I hope for you, as life goes on, there will be more sunshine than clouds.

So very hard on you.

take time for yourself, and enjoy life without the stress you've had. All the best.

You're a dynamo.

of her other kids would or could participate in her care. I guess I did it because I love my husband.

I sincerely doubt I would be able to do as you did. I am in awe. Karma will reward you.

I'm glad you are in touch with your feelings. I've been in human services for years. A lot of hope was placed on waiver services. When it was my family member's time to need these services there was nothing I could do to make it happen. Same with my neighbor lady. We lived next door for 30 years. She fell, went to rehab, came home, fell again of course. I tried so hard to help the family find those kinds of supports. They sent her to a care facility after trying really hard to keep her home. She caught Covid twice and died before her 95th birthday. I was always confident my daughter would be able to care for me if needed someday. I've lost all hope that it can be possible for any of us. Warehouses of death are in all our futures if we don't have big money to hire people. If those people could even be found. I'm sure that was not helpful at all. Sorry. You are in very good company so don't stop talking. Thanks for sharing.

I'm going to be too much trouble for my kids.

The right drugs are the key. I wish we never had to die so I don't think I could do it myself. I can see drifting off in a morphine haze when I can't do anything else. But I figure you never know who will cross your path on that journey. Maybe, we will touch a stranger who comes to the hardest job in the world for minimal pay everyday and give them a little love in our last hours. Or it could be way fucking worse, so don't listen to me. 🎶What a strange trip it's been 🎶

Tears for you as you go through these most difficult times. Caregiving is lonely, demanding and exhausting. Be easy with yourself. I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. I’m sending love to you. 💗🙏

today than when I posted. The good vibes sent my way help.

This will come in waves but remember that you are surrounded by love! 💗💗🙏

I wish I knew what to say, to help with the pain that you are feeling.

because it's really part of the job unless you've been trained to do it. No one cares about caregivers because they are mostly women.

Caregivers have to put everything they have into caregiving and friends and family move on without them. It's an incredibly isolating experience.

I don't know where you live, but if it's a city, call elder services to see if they have a caregivers' group. Talking some of this stuff out with people who understand can help. So can listening and realizing you're not alone in this.

Now is the time to take care of yourself. You did your bit and more, you get to say no now.

arrived sfter she died. They'll want it back, so I'm not withdrawing it. But they'll still owe about 11-12 months of catchup payments.

It is so hard. My husband died two days short of 2021.

This was his favorite time of year, too. Holidays must be really difficult for you.

You have a double dose of grief and you're also exhausted from fighting the caregiver fight. That can be so lonely. My heart goes out to you. May you come to smile through your tears when remembering your love.

Wish I was near to give you a hug.

aspect of this has left me feeling like "what do I do now?"

What to do will turn up...

That's brutal.

I was really feeling the "thinness of the veil" all through October.

I can’t take away the pain, but I hope you can appreciate how much of a difference you made. I have had a very similar experience and the emotional fatigue was incredible, and maybe some guilt for not being able to do more. You need to choose gratitude for what you accomplished, above all else.

I don’t know you but I love you, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. ♥️

I'll take the love, truly. I need it.

I am so sorry for your heartache

I hope in time you find some peace.

I lost my husband in March 2019. Reddit has a subgroup for widows and widowers. They are very caring and empathetic. Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who knows what it's like.

https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers/

don't choose to tell my story.

There were days when I thought I could smell it, but it was just me, forgetting to bathe. (Bathing is overrated.)

No job is harder.

Have a long hot bath whenever you want now. I wish it could do something for you. My heart goes out to you.

Not one bit.

I've been there too recently.

Such a thankless task to get stuck with like it or not.

Never again.

Never!

Hang-in there and know you are not alone!

going to let my husband's mom try to navigate the end of her life on her own.

You gave it your best shot!

That's all anyone CAN do!

Take care!

It is backbreaking and very lonely to go through that. I had a similar experience decades ago with my grandma. My mother predeceased her mom (mom died so young ) and I was left with trying to help with her elderly mom and an elderly great aunt. Until this day I suffer anxiety from that very tough time. I hope you find recovery from this and return to a peaceful period. I am sorry for your losses.

but I was certainly blamed and shamed for the decisions I had to make.

You have had to go through too much. Hugs.

I married her mindfully and would do it all over again, but no one has to explain to you that care-giving is not a HallMark Hall of Fame movie.

She passed from a progressive stroke after several weeks in hospital. Progressive strokes are brutal. At first the patient rallies and seems to be on the way to a full recovery, but then with each event, slips further and further downhill.

I sought psychiatric care immediately after she passed because I knew from hard experience, that having been in crisis mode, running on adrenaline for several weeks and then suddenly nothing is happening anymore would lead to a total crash. It would have without the crutch of antidepressants.

I was able to keep putting one foot in front of the other for a couple of months and was finally able to venture out into the world again. Not to date, but just to be among people.

Everything you say sounds so familiar. On my darkest days, I'd think about my ancestors, in an unbroken chain stretching way back into prehistory and beyond. If they managed to get through times like this, maybe I could too.

Things will get better. That's not a pious platitude. It's just true.

L'Chaim

I believe it'll get better. I'm having issues starting to make it happen. I guess I'm just too tired and depressed.

Please take care of yourself now. Big hug 💕🎶🙏

My mother and I shared a home for some years before she had to go to a nursing home. But my mom was herself until the end. The nurses said she had some dementia, and her memory was a piece of lace, but she was herself with flickering memories. To do what you did for someone who struggled and screamed was an extended period of service above and beyond the call of duty. Of course, we do not give medals for this sort of thing, but if we did, I would be nominating you for a Medal of Honor. There may be some grief support groups in your neighborhood. The local hospice had them lined up. And they might be a help. But for the moment, try to take as good care of yourself as you did of them. You can be sure you deserve your care as much as they did.

I took care of my husband of 55 years in the last 4 years of his life. He had COPD and diabetes, and although a nurse stopped in a few times a week to collect the information I'd recorded regarding his vital signs and so forth to give to his doctor, I was basically his sole caregiver.

During his last conscious moments, as I held him in my arms, he looked up at me and whispered, "Thank you."

I wouldn't want to relive those years, but if I had to do something like that for someone else, I would. It comforts me to know I helped.

No "goodbye." Lividity and rigor set in. Yeah, I'm traumatized by it all. My brain is also in denial.

Your doctor should be able to recommend someone. Please do it now.

a grief counselor from hospice, and a minister from my church.

and hoping everything turns around for you soon. What you went through is almost unimaginable to me. I am so glad you've found people who can help you through it.

all aspire to.

Death does fuck people over. You are right to feel that way

I went thru similar but not the same. What worked for me a bit, and only a bit is to find something you learned thru this.
I learned i am stronger than i thought. I got thru it because i had to. In my case, when my wife died after a long illness, i still had my toddler son i had to raise.
I learned who i could depend on and who was all talk and no deed. Important lessons.
you will get thru this because you have no choice.

Take care of yourself.

I already know who in my family that cares and who didn't give a shit.

I still have purpose, work to do in my life. Then I want to run away on a Viking cruise along the Danube or something like that. (No open seas, please.)

grief spending is real.

i bought some dumb stuff, did some dumb stuff.
But do not exceed your budget.

Please be careful.......
You are now in the club that nobody wants to join...widows and widowers.
You will find that you attract them and you will hear stories.....I know i did.
People doing stupid stuff in the name of grief...Do not become a story....

good luck

more comfortable in a time of need. Don't forget the goodness and self-sacrifice that allowed them to live as best as they could with your support. My Mom's friend told me once; "you're going to have a spot in heaven."
Take Care Ilsa.

I hope I've made a little "goodness" deposit in the Hereafter.

I took care of my parents through my mom’s cancer and my dad’s dementia. It is fucking brutal…no other way to describe it. Dementia eats everyone it touches alive. I wish I could hug you.

the loss of your beloved husband, and your MiL. (I just saw where you found your husbnd's body. Holy . . ..extra strong hugs, love and light headed your way!)

Caregiving, whether profession or family, is exhausting, soul-draining work. Please, please, be very gentle and kind with yourself. Take all the time you need to heal. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as much as you need.

I did caregiving for many years, both family and professionally. Never again. People ask me when I will go back to it. I ask them if they think I am nuts.

offer to care for anyone again. We would be crazy to do it.

and it was both stressful and rewarding. The hallucinations on drugs and slight dementia took more of a toll on me than I realized. You are not alone - time will help.

……with all that I can. My sorrow for you is real. Thank you for sharing this - - sniff - - I can truly feel your loss.

speaks clearly to my heart to lift me up.

but it's getting pretty rough now. My friends have been losing their parents for some time now. One thing that really sucks is that in a lot of cases, nothing was left of their estate. No inheritance. The system took it all.

Same kind of people in the same situation a couple decades ago would have at least had something to divvy up among the kids, as their parents intended. That was the only break a lot of working-class people ever got and it helped them to own their own homes eventually.

their kids. My MIL would have had more, and she always said, "I want what's mine," in dealing with the VA, but she never bothered to get it for herself.

Healing vibes.

for some simple things going forward.

FIL and my dad.

Not the shirt I would have liked to have bought - but I have it nonetheless.

I know the situation is different, but you have my condolences and empathy. Please find the time to take care of yourself.

I hope you have a huge selection of angel wings awaiting you!

Thank you.

I ended up in this weird focus zone. Can't explain it - but it's definitely a form of tunnel vision with a ton of delayed feelings.

While it was years ago - things just crop up now and again. This is why I said to move forward - the stresses and fractures will never leave me. Some things worked out for the best, some things did not - everything being very much situational.

Look, feel free to DM me anytime. Vent, scream, celebrate - whatever. Just know - when I do look forward I have found much joy and know my life had far more purpose.

On so many in this DU family. Isla, you n other caregivers who’ve reached out are Angels. I’m convinced and hold you n others in high esteem. The caregiver is usually the one needing the care so be kind to yourself n let us hear from you. 🦋

I so understand the offing yourself post - that is my plan also. It truly sucks watching a loved one get eaten alive by dementia. On the "upside", it is a bit easier when the loved one passes as the the loved one you once knew had been gone for a number of years. Blissfully my Mom went fast - hell on my Dad who had taken care of her over the years. But she went faster than her mother and to be frank, in a much more peaceful way.
Please, please, give yourself some time re: the passing of your husband. All I can say re: your MIL is that your conscious is clear. I think it abhorrent that her children bailed on her. Bless you for doing the right thing.

It's been a busy day and evening. Anyway... I work with the elderly in home health therapy and experience has taught me there is NO other job as hard as caregiving. Period. Caregiving is the most grindingly laborious, exhausting, thankless job there is, and comes with a triple helping of helplessness, depression, frustration, and anger. You should not feel one iota of guilt or shame about your anger, sadness, and depression. They are not only normal, they are human, even healthy under the circumstances, and in your case, that goes double because you are also grieving for your spouse. In addition to all of this, you are at your most vulnerable in so many ways. A note of concern for every widow: sadly and maddeningly you may likely be preyed upon by unscrupulous scoundrels who go looking for those in your situation. Vulnerable, sad, lonely, and angry, you present an ideal target for those who want to drain any assets left to you. I have seen this happen with too many of my widowed patients, so beware.

In the meantime, if your family finds this thread, maybe it will help them understand a little bit what you are feeling. They need to reach out to you and support you, appreciate all you sacrificed of yourself and the grief you are now experiencing. You will need support from family and friends; you will need their hugs, their help to deal with your mother-in-law's belongings, and any practical issues that need to be dealt with. Mostly you will need them to accept you as you are as you process all you have been through and finally come out on the other side. Rest as much as you can. Love yourself as much as you can and be kind to yourself.

You are an unsung hero, dear. Please know that there is someone who has a glimmer of understanding, but no one can truly understand the effort, the heroic sacrifice of caregiving until they have done it.

Bless you for all your hard work, for your sleepless nights and exhausting days. Take this time to rest and heal and grieve. You are not alone. Peace and healing to you.

I'm sorry to hear about your family losses.

I know precisely what you went through in the last days, as I was there myself, giving mom the drops.

For those in the situation currently, I suggest finding a caregiver support group. I can't suggest it strongly enough.

It is a failing of our society that getting old is considered a purely medical condition, and the rest falls on friends and family exclusively.

Our society will change for the better one day, the current situation is not sustainable.

"Growing old ain't for sissies!"

Hugs to you. You were a great help to your loved ones in their time of need.

Life is more than unfair. It's a crapshoot. Losing your life partner this way seems unbearable. Sometimes I think the only cure for this kind of anguish is a case of amnesia to forget the horrible. But that takes away the good times too.

I'm just so sorry.