For what you’re going through right now.

If you are not his POA, I would say you should convince him to do the paperwork for that now- before he might be declared mentally incompetent in any way- before MD might give him a diagnosis of say for example ‘mild dementia’. You can get boilerplate copy of POA papers at Staples- if you want to try and avoid steep legal fees.

And, the good new is that as long as there is someone living in your house who is disabled, in any way, your house cannot be taken to pay for his care in a care facility. A social worker at a long term care facility told me that is the law.

In the end our system in the US really stinks.
Hopefully, with the dems in charge, it will change for the better! 🥰

Its called a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care.

I am his and he is mine.

His secondary is deceased. He has an 82 year old sister living in Ireland. Of the 10 kids in his family, they are the only two left.

As for me, I have no one really but a tRUMP brother that does not wish me well. I stay away from him.

He has no idea what is going on with me.

I have a friend that very recently has agreed to be my executor. I had no one and was ready to name the Catholic Church.

I still do not have a will. Its been difficult finding anyone to help but very recently (in fact today I have an interview with them) I've found a local place who's mission is to KEEP PEOPLE IN THEIR HOMES.

The house I live in was obtained via Rural Housing Service, USDA and it is located in rural northern California near the coast. It was a run down dump of a house that no one cared to live in. I bought it 20 years ago for $80K. Its worth a lot more now but compared to other houses around me, it is still nothing great. It is very small but it works for us and the three cats. I'm lucky to have a place to live as I was on Section 8 briefly living in an even bigger dump! UGH!

I am glad to read that they cannot displace me because I am 100% disabled and have been of this status since 1996 due to the MS.

Thank you and everyone else reading this.

Don't panic - First, tell any adult-children or relative that you need help! Also, ask a friendly neighbor for some way that would indicate there's an immediate problem at your home...or to visit with DH when you need to take charge of household activities outside the home.

There's hope your doctors and his/her staff(s) can assist you with information getting appropriate assistance from medication, social worker or eldercare specialist at the hospital with which they are affiliated and that they know and trust. Be honest and specific with them. You need not reveal financial information quite yet but get all the information, phone numbers, personal testimonials so that you can make good future choices. At first, you may want to think about seeking care for yourself. If you need it, get it and because either one of you sound at risk, discuss with your spouse what you are doing and get his input, if possible.

Do you have reliable transportation for shopping, appointments, etc...? Going forward, you might only require help in seasonal types of weather...but I can't begin to guess where you live.

Next: Call the leader of your church, temple, mosque or other congregation, if there is one! Someone's gone through these health challenges before you. Perhaps that someone will give you recommendations and good local advice.

You need to develop a support system and be well. If you are stressed, burned out, or develop an MS flare, depression/mental illness, you will not stay healthy mentally or physically for very long. Kindness toward the patient is key in caretaking, just as you would want. Now you can probably make kind suggestions instead of being alarmingly panicked by things you don't yet know for sure. If you are in danger of domestic violence, get help immediately from authorities.

I think Catholic Charities might be a national organization and assists caretakers/elders that are not necessarily Catholic. They've been helpful in the times DH and I needed some support and we were not catholic.

Next thing: Because you can use the internet, the Council on Aging or any MS Support group of which you may be a member may have more specific suggestions, depending upon the known diagnoses.

Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease when your needs are clear but you maintain a humble attitude. Be kind; persons you speak to have hearts too! Start and maintain a log of who you spoke with at each place and what was suggested. Do not yet commit or sign anything...You may get many that cannot help, but do not let yourself become depressed or aggressive. It's an active challenge; smile that you are in the game - you may find some help just because people like to be helpful.

Lastly, if your condition or his does deteriorate, find an eldercare attorney or geriatric specialist who may have a checklist of what needs to be handled should one or both of you find yourselves with an acute or long-term hospitalized illness, LW&T, medical power of attorney, DNR orders, palliative versus hospice care. They can help you review specifics of the care you need handled with home maintenance and/or personal finances and end-of-life planning preferences.

Be grateful for each day - things work out as best as possible when you're armed with as much information as possible about what's doable for you now and/or in the future. Best wishes going forward; never back! Be kind and grateful, learn all you can, and make as good with choices as possible.

Post script: Please, other DUers, I hope you take these suggestions as such, not medical advice, and join the discussion if you know what or how we can reassure this member who has written frantically for help. I don't do well with anxiety, I get alarmed too about the future! Thankfully, I've found help along the way!

He is much more devout that I am, but yes, the Catholic Church is a part of our lives.

I have contacted them but they have not called me back.

Things have been shut down due to COVID.

Thank you and everyone else here for your thoughts and ideas. It helps.

Thank you, your ideas are very helpful!

Take care you too!

I don't know where you live, but every city I've been to has some sort of community resource center/social services agency that is set up to provide assistance for seniors. You should call them and tell them your situation and I'm sure they can help. If you can't find any information about those agencies, call your doctor's office and someone there will have the information for you.

pulmonary hypertension. I’m still working full time as well as doing everything for him and the home. I find myself also going out shopping or something just to get a break away from him.

Our local office on aging helped him get a better Medicare plan with a lot more services. Your CalVet Service may offer some help, and I see other DUers made some great suggestions.

If your hubby is having mental health issues he really needs to be evaluated. There could be treatable medical problems causing his issues. My guy is stubborn about not wanting tests or doctor visits, but being on oxygen, he knows he won’t survive without his meds and treatments.

Above all, you have to take care of you and your own health. I know how stressful it is dealing with a stubborn partner. When mine first got on oxygen he didn’t want to leave the house and even started drinking to excess. I lost myself. The responsibilities of caregiving weighed me down and life seemed impossible to keep up with. I was depressed, overwhelmed and hopeless, I felt so alone. Thankfully I connected with support groups and got help; I even made a few good friends with people going through circumstances just like mine.

He is considered a Vietnam Era vet but he served in Germany at the end of the Korean War.

Seems the time he was in does not count as war time for some reason.

He more or less had to enlist or he'd have been sent back to Ireland. This exact same scenario occurred with many men that immigrated to the USA during this time period.

There was a case of DUNN v. the US Army. Dunn, another Irish immigrant of the same ilk and lost his legs in the military during this time while serving. The Army told him to forget it and that he was not owed a thing. He sued them and they had to reverse their decision and he apparently did receive disability benefits.

This decision came down about 20 years ago best I can remember.

As for my husband, the military claims that he was in during a peace time era. It was a time slot of about 1-1/2 years it seems. He could receive medical via the VA if he had none but he is covered under my health care plan. I was disability retired from the State of Calif. Talk about getting screwed, they done me real good. I receive a pension of $97 a month BUT I do have medical and dental coverage.

Other than that, I have a few bucks left that my mother left me when she passed away almost 20 years ago right after we got this house but it was not enough to make a significant change in my life, it just made it a bit easier. Most of that money has been depleted after 20 years.

As mentioned in an earlier post, visit the local social services office. It may be called welfare office or social worker's office. Ask what help is available if/when his condition worsens.

Go to the library and ask for books on dementia care. Alzheimers care or whatever the library might call it. You need information on how to prevent him wandering or causing harm to himself, your living quarters, etc.

Information on how to set up structured days since repetitive activities give a sense of security that he will need.

With Alzheimer's. She is mild and compliant tho. My sister has MS. She is quite young and so far doing well. She works fulltime is the breadwinner and has four kids. So shes got enough.

We recently waded into what Medicare doesnt and will never do for my mother. Long term care is zero. And how medicaid works.

She gets too much monthly income w pension etc to ever qualify. She has assets. If she did not have as high an income we could have done something with her assets five years ago. Like liquidate.

I mention this because it doesnt sound like your husbands income is very high? Could he qualify for medicaid with some changes? Your health matters a tremendous amount to you, and him. It sounds so difficult.

My sister and i got an education about our own retirement planning, from all of this. My mom did a good job, she will be ok.
I hope you found some info and answers. Update here if you can....