Really, though, maybe the notification should happen after he has died.

My first inclination, I regret to say, was that if I was hearing that my ex-husband (also a narcissist) was dying, I would not be sad. Anyway, I don't think I would be.

Just thinking though about finding out in the newspaper. That would be shocking, perhaps.

I was married to one horrible person for way too long. Long since divorced, and I couldn't care less whether he is alive or dead so what makes you think she cares? Especially if he was abusive.

Are either of you on good terms with number 2?

I personally think it would be considerate to let her know, unless their divorce was a nasty one and you have reason to think she would never want to hear anything of him again. In which case, letting her know after would be appropriate.

I was married for over 25 years, and I think for me the worst thing about the divorce is losing contact with his family. I did not find out his older brother died until after the fact, although I'd known he was ill. My ex does give me some updates.

I hope there's a comfortable solution to this dilemma.

My daughter, though, is really handling all the affairs. She's a trained professional.

I think the idea of AFTER is good advice, and that's likely any day now.

Still not my place, but I'll suggest it.

It's really tricking navigating issues -- so important to name abuse and never forget its impact.

should my ex find herself in that situation I have no desire to know. We parted ways 25 years ago and that was another lifetime, long ago.

I wish her no ill at this point, but have less than zero interest in her life or passing.

Aside from your children, I would think any such responsibility to notify others in your ex’s life falls to his current wife. Some people do not want to hear anything ever about their abuser.

It is very generous and caring of you to consider her feelings, but it seems to me your own and your children’s emotional well being is all you need to think of for now.