My server recently switched me to a wireless connection so I had no internet for a couple of weeks. That did not help.

I'm up and running again and managed to get my old desktop that is not wireless going too.

That kept me busy for a day or so.

After that, it's back to the damn crying.

What a hell.

Thanks again.

I'll send as many {{{{{{vibes}}}}}} as I can.

I'd be a puddle of tears, too. We're here for you.

You have friends here.

You will feel love flow through the hole in your heart at some point.

I don't know when you will quit crying. Maybe when your done?

Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Am I correct?

I'm not in my proper state of mind.

I cannot think straight much less make legal decisions!

Is it ok to not?

I need a new POA for health care and found the nerve to approach my only relative. Can I trust him?

I feel so alone.

I'm grateful that I have my three cats.

One of them used to bite me badly (hospital).

He hasn't tried to bite me since the death. I guess he knows. His name is Mr. Andy. Animals know grief too!

Its a major upset around here.

Just me and the walls and the cats and a very NOSY neighbor to go with it!

Said neighbor asked me "Are THEY aware of what the situation is around here?". Who is THEY?

I am a 66 year old woman with MS living alone with my cats. I'm sorry that she doesn't seem to think that maybe I am in charge!

I really don't need any of this crap from anyone.

I made out my will after my mom died and I have questioned everything several times since then. But I am just sitting with my decisions right now because no one is going to be perfect.

Hope Hospice has great services for people who are grieving. I bet they could answer a lot of your questions. I really love that organization. They were so helpful with my mom, (and with me) during her long sickness and death.

You will find your way. One thing I think we realize too late about life is that everything changes. But change can bring good things too.

also need to get control of your life.

And strength. Grief is love that has no assignment. Cry. Take each day as it comes. The sun will shine again. Blessings.

Grief has no timeline & the stages are not linear.

It is very important to eat healthy foods, sleep, & do deep breathing.

Grieving is hard work, physically, as well as emotionally & psychologically.

Please contact a hospice near you for free bereavement therapy. They are specialty therapists with training unique to life's big losses.

If you want or need help finding one near you, just pm me a location.

She was not there.



I feel like they have a batch of canned statements.

Of little to no help at all is my take on their "counseling".

I have some thoughts on hospice that I won't bother to share except I can see why my late brother that died of cancer 20 years ago wanted nothing at all to do with them.

Perhaps try another one. Many are likely offering virtual sessions.

I interned at a great hospice in bereavement & the folks I worked with were helped greatly. It was visible in their posture & demeanors.

If you are going days without eating that is not good.

How long has it been this bad?

At first I was almost relieved the hell had ended.

I morphed into where I am now a few weeks ago.

I'm certainly not myself on any level at all.

I went so far as to ask my former guy relative for help. That is plain desperate for me.

My husband died 2 months ago and had been ill for a very long time.

It was not until quite recently that I realized this and wow do I have some major guilt around the way I dealt with him the last year or so of his life. I didn't know he was sick. Shame on me!

And then the death of a spouse and unresolved issues.

Feeling overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, etc. To the point it is now interfering with daily living, sleep, eating, etc.

Can you call your doctor and make an appointment?
Get a referral to a good therapist and also have the doc evaluate you for
anti-depressant medication. This is especially critical if you are having any thoughts of self harm.

Also the doctor may want to do some blood work, people under stress for a long period of time can develop health problems.

The longer these symptoms go on, the harder it is to treat.

Your symptoms are indicating classic depression which is fairly easy to treat with meds and counseling.

The counseling can help you deal with the guilt which is common after a death of someone we are close to. You are not a doctor so you didn't know he was ill, thought he was being difficult and trying to cope with it. If it was a gradual decline then the spiral was incremental. Which means you may not have realized how bad it was until the end.

Good luck my dear, you can start feeling better soon. Try to be kind to yourself. You have been through quite an ordeal.

I'll see what they have to say this next time around.

I felt they were as shocked by the whole thing as much as I was to be honest w/you.

Loads of tests were done on him two or three times and they didn't figure he'd be dying anytime soon.

It was a bungled up mess IMO.

I am so very disgusted with HOSPISS.

If Hospice was a bad experience, get your counseling elsewhere.

It sounds like you have legit anger about how the situation was screwed up so badly.
Another thing to talk to a therapist about.

I think health care quality has declined a great deal in the last 10 years.
It seems like we have to fight for any help and then be as smart as someone who went to medical school to get the right help.

Right, how does a doctor miss that someone is dying.

He couldn't even get out of bed for God's sake.

Hospice claimed his problems breathing were from being a smoker 45 years ago!

They did not offer to do a thing.

When I managed to get the Irish Consulate involved, it made them look like fools.

The Consulate said it was disgraceful and incompetent and unethical to expect a person with a physical disability like MS be expected to care for a dying man that could not breathe nor swallow.

Greedy pigs imo. I didn't direct any contributions to them for their "help", believe me.

Had it not been for the Consulate they might have gotten away with dumping him on the doorstep of the house. They wanted the $4K and they wanted it UP FRONT!



Damn them all!

I don't see how you were supposed to give home care to someone as sick as your husband was.

It doesn't matter why a patient has breathing problems at the end, they are gravely ill and need palliative care.

Every aspect of American healthcare has been monetized and under the control of the insurance companies and wealthy owners.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can get some good counseling, work through these issues and move forward. With a chronic health condition, you did not need to be stressed out.

Yes, you will stop crying. At first you cry all the time. Then you make it a couple of hours without shedding a tear. Eventually, it’s a whole day. Then something happens and it feels like you’re back to square one only it doesn’t take as long to get to making it through a whole day. Friends help. Anti-depressants can be very helpful.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I did my dog walks a few times a day, cut grass, computer games to obvious excess and eventually a new job, new places of my region.

There’s no number.

LilBit and I coming up at 6 months since we lost Mrs. I’ve probably made more than a few mistakes in the grieving process, but I couple points, I believe.
1 grieving is a process, no text book. Everyone grieves at a different pace. 2,and this one was hard for me accept;
When you feel like crying, cry, when you feel angry, yell!
My counselor finally convinced me that these are releases. And if we don’t allow the release, then ( in my case, and his words to me) “ koz, you are just a steam pot waiting to blow into 5000 pieces”

LilBit and I offer our vibes, prayers, thoughts.


Koz and LilBit

We all have our way of grieving and our own time table.

I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that it gets just a little better every day.

This whole thing has knocked me for a loop.

Sorry to read about your loss. I hope you feel better sooner rather than later!

Last edited Fri Jul 15, 2022, 06:44 AM - Edit history (1)

I wish I had magic words or pills. Actually, I kind of wish you had them too. We are here for you.

KozandLilBit

I was talking to a potential fiduciary.

They were telling ME what to do and that I needed to get a roommate. I told them I do not want a roommate!

They were then telling me to go back to work as a bookkeeper. I told them I would not hire me as a bookkeeper as I cannot work any longer!

They are not in my best interest.

However, another place I spoke with before they got to me seemed to be on the same track that I am on.

I passed out.

Exhausted indeed!

Your love would not want you to live life in mourning. Give them a smile once in awhile so they can remember that.

Peace of heart….
Good luck.

Edit: I think eventually your heart may turn to celebrating a life. A life that not only you but many others can celebrate together.

“There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your son, or daughter, or your wife or your husband, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”

I am so sorry, CountAllVotes. Lean on us.

Complications of heart surgery. I blamed myself the anger was debilitating. I was actually feeling suicidal for a while. I would come home from work and cry and scream all night. I still miss him terribly. Now I’m retired and alone 73 years old. I don’t cry all the time now just because I have learned how to stop. I kept reliving it I had to tell myself, stop, out loud. He was 13 years older than me. Now I’m older than he was when he died. I’m older than my mom was when she died. I am lucky I have a best friend and two brothers. I sure hope you get over it soon. I eventually just went to a doctor and started talking to her it doesn’t do much good, though. Take care of your kitties

and no, I do not blame you one bit.

Some of these people haven't a clue. Nope.

My husband was almost 20 years older than I am and I do understand!

Time is the healer.

It can help to be around others in the same boat. Personally, I think it's better than one on one grief counseling. And it gets you out of the house and away from the temptations of isolation.

But the general principal might be.

Taking an antidepressant might just prolong the grieving process.

So my suggestion is to not fight the tears. Let them all out. Scream and holler if you have it in you. Take as much time as you need and don't try to hold yourself back.

Over time -- months -- you will still be crying, but the waves will gradually hit less hard. The peaks won't be as high. And the time between the waves will begin to lengthen.

The more you love someone, the more it's going to hurt to lose them. There's no getting around that.

Over time you will be able to see his picture without crying -- but that doesn't mean the loss won't hit you again when you aren't even expecting it. It's okay. The feelings won't really go away with a pill. They're just a sign of how much you loved him, and he loved you.

She became a person I no longer knew.

It was horrible really.

I wanted my mother back!

strangely neutral about everything -- which might hot be the best way for a mother to be feeling.

Just not caring.

I'm sorry YOU had to go through all that -- losing your dad and then your real mother, too.

You are not alone. Stay strong and cry as much as you need to without feeling bad about mourning.

I learned a LOT about how poorly the military (and our society at large) prepare us for the inevitability of grief.

I learned, when speaking to my Soldiers (and others), that grief is not a mental illness, though it can sure *feel* like one, probably because every new grief -- even seemingly "insignificant" ones -- can reawaken any (or every) old grief. [How unfair is *that*?]

Furthermore, I came to recognize that tears are the mark of the courage and strength necessary to assault into an ambush of grief.

The military, by and large, still operates on the notion that the only correct response to grief is a) to shame the person who's grieving by b) telling personnel to "suck it up" and drive on. The problem here is manifold: "suck it up" tells warriors NOT to have situational awareness and to run away from a situation that's horrible beyond imagining. Talk about cognitive dissonance!

"Suck it up" actually *does* work, but its shelf-life is incredibly short: it's effective only as long as bullets are flying, the aircraft is in autorotation, the enemy is overwhelming our position, the MRAP has rolled over in a canal and people are about to drown, etc. In situations of imminent danger to life, bodily integrity, liberty, or core values, there's no other option. But as soon as the danger passes, "suck it up" as the SOP for dealing with grief pretty much guarantees that the grief is going to become toxic because it demands COWARDICE on the part of otherwise-courageous individuals.

I saw, first-hand, in Iraq (May, 2009) how one person's toxic grief can KILL OTHER PEOPLE. The perpetrator of the mass murder we had on Camp Liberty is still alive; five of his victims are dead.

Tears help us to avoid our grief from becoming toxic, precisely because they represent the courage and strength it takes to assault into an ambush of grief.

CountAllVotes, you are clearly very courageous and very strong. Thank you for sharing that courage and strength with me. Your post evinced tears in my eyes.

FWIW, consider yourself hugged.

The grief process feels like acid poured into your soul. It hurts - so ahead and cry as much as you need for as long as you need.

You will come out on the other side feeling empty until you realize that your spirit is full because of your time together. That's the start of the healing.

Remember that DU is here for you any time night or day.

to a certain point, start thinking about all of the good times you shared, his laugh, his smile, his quirks, his funny sayings, etc, etc. Remembering them is how we deal with it.

Right now it’s a tsunami of grief, it does get better. The waves get smaller as time goes on.

One thing you might ask yourself, is what would he have you do? After Forty-Four years I bet you can figure out what he'd say if you think about it. Not only will you find comfort there, but also in the realization that you carry so much of him with you in the process.

I send hugs and hope along with wishes for more peaceful tomorrows.

Although the first couple of days last year
I was unconsolable.

Everyone is different I think.
I sometimes wonder why I don't cry more.
I miss my husband so much, though.

I had a concussion almost 4 years ago, and it
gives me brain fog and a headache to cry.
Almost not worth it. But sometimes I wonder
if I'm still in shock, is why I don't cry much.

Although, I'm approaching a year...
and I'm having a really hard time.
Today I cried, because it gets to the point
I can't hold it back anymore.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It sucks.
I don't have any great words of wisdom.
But DU is here for you

He died at the age of 44 of cancer.

I was rather numb after he died. We weren't particularly close.

It took me a long time to realize he was gone.

I finally cried for him about 5 years after his death.


Why? I just don't know why.

I guess it is different for everyone.

Today is the 21st anniversary of my daughter's death and I definitely do not cry the way I did when she was killed. Though my memory is not great around the first few months after she died, i do know that at about 2 1/2 months after she died as the shock began to wear off, I cried for a week straight. if I was awake I was in tears. I woke up crying and it's not at all unlikely that I was crying in my sleep. I cried so much I thought I'd earned the deed to the Pacific Ocean.

The crying is painful. It can be inconvenient, especially for others who may be uneasy around tears. But it's part of the healing process. You can call your doctor and she can probably prescribe a drug for you that will help you stop crying, but I would say consider a support group of bereaved people or grief counseling first.

I still cry, not nearly as often, not for such sustained bursts of time. I can't give you a timeline because everyone is different, but I can promise you that with time you will not cry so much.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

The quote from Washington Irving is very powerful!

As of today, I am not crying as much.

I am beginning to see the reality of the situation.

It was awful, plain awful.

The weak need not apply for that of a caregiver to a person/animal that is extremely ill and facing death for said caregiver becomes the grim reaper.

I don't want this "job" again. I don't want anyone again. I'm done.