So saddened to hear of your loss.

Please remember to eat, sleep, and do deep breathing to stay focused & grounded.



Ps - And please know someone is always on DU if you need to chat.

I came to decide there is no timetable.

I had some good neighbors that i could visit.

You can be sure that we are on your side. My library, Netflix and local wildlife refuges or parks and my dogs were a daily or hourly support.

I wouldn't have made it this far.

He is proud of you. Each and every day.

I missed him so and what I miss most was being hugged by him. I can tell you that you are on a journey and that you will be ok. There are times you will feel trapped inside yourself. It is a hopeless feeling. You realize that nothing you do will change what happened. When you think of him you smile instead of cry. When that happens know that you will be okay. Many of us have taken your journey. I can promise you you will happy again, just in a different way.

In fact, tomorrow is the anniversary of the young man's passing. When I talk to the father, he always tells me that their grief is ongoing. I can't imagine what it must be like to be on that journey. He says they still have dark, dark times.

Peace to you and yours, all of you.

I know it's a process, but knowing and doing
are two different things.
I do smile....and cry.
Yes, he had this thing...he would put his hand
on my leg when we went out to dinner.
I miss that so bad.

Please remember you were his world, too.
He wants to see you smile and breath easy again. Take care.

Keep remembering to take deep breaths.

Grief and stress can start making a person hold their breath waiting for whatever else will happen.

Also, it helps me to realize that whatever pain I feel for those I have lost is a badge of honor, that the love was THAT important that it hurts so much. So I feel it and take it in as much as I can for a moment or two then exhale and move on. Cry if I need to for ME because I was the one left behind to deal.

Some days I even set a timer and allow myself to feel sorry for myself. I made it less than 5 minutes one time before I started laughing at myself, which I considered a win anyway. By doing a timer though, I validate the feeling and can let it go instead of having it bubble below the surface without my express knowledge or permission.

I still have my 2nd husband, so my grief is somewhat different. Parents died when I was in my 20's. But when the 1st marriage resulted in him trying to kill me, I had to move on. Death of a marriage isn't same as death of a beloved spouse.

I STILL wrote letters to him that I would later rip up, because obviously, though I needed to say something to him, I didn't need his response. It was just that habit of reaching out helped me sort my thoughts. Unlocked me from my fear of "being alone" then I could find someone who really wanted to listen and be helpful.

I STILL reach out to my parent's spirits because who they WERE in my life was/is still valid. I don't always get "comfort" but it seems my "perspective" can get some clarity and I consider solutions I might not have thought about if I hadn't moved out of my own thoughts toward them.

Anyway, take any thing that is helpful out of this or maybe you will find some little traditions of your own that work to help you breathe in the peace of simple moments and feel the pain so it allows you to move through it and onto a life that allows more and more joy as the days between the loss accumulate.

And as loved and supported as you felt, he is DEFINITELY proud of you. How could he not be?

You are surviving a horrible type of grief and reaching out so you can live again in a new paradigm.

I’m going to start doing some of your suggestions tomorrow as I think they are great ideas in dealing with grief.

My story is different but grief comes often lately and we all need tools on how to cope through the emotional roller coaster. Thank you so much.

I made it my own, but the basics of feeling the feelings and seeing that the pain is a reflection of the love were stated in many ways to me by others showing their own care.

Peace.

A little peace every day.

Last edited Sat Nov 6, 2021, 07:59 PM - Edit history (1)

"I'm ok, and hanging on by a thread at the same time."

Unexpected deaths can feel a nanosecond ago, and forever ago, all at the same time. I don't know why that is, but it is absolutely true. In 1978, when I was only 26, my brother, 23 and my only sibling, died in a scuba diving adventure that went awry. It was devastating.

For me, wrenching as that was, I was relieved, if that is the right word, that I had not had to watch him waste away from some terrible illness.

Something I learned from my mother after my brother died was that she found it helpful and comforting when people spoke of him and shared memories. It made her feel that he had not been forgotten. People around you always want to know if there is anything they can do for you, but often hesitate to speak of the person you are missing, because they don't want to make you feel sad. My mother said, "I'm already as sad as I could be, so talking about him doesn't make it worse." If sharing memories of your husband is of comfort to you, maybe your friends and family need to know that it is OK to talk about him, even if you get weepy.

Hugs from afar.

We work for the same company, and I already told
the VP to tell people not to tip toe around me, and
it's ok to talk about him. He was there forever, and
they miss him too.
Yes, yes, please talk about him. 💯

for your loss. Depending on your age, the Legal Aid or Senior Services might be of help legally. Take it slow and be extra good to yourself at this time. Your friends are here for you.

I've got it covered.
Thank you, though. ❤

I lost my husband in 2017. I am doing better this year. My neighbor friend lost her husband in 2018. We can talk about our good days and bad days. It helps.

I have pictures of my dear husband in almost all of the rooms. I miss him a lot, but the loss doesn't overwhelm me the way it did.

Take your time. Be nice to yourself. If you have friends who want to hear how you're doing, tell them what you want. I think I just took what my friends offered, without thinking, but they helped me get through the worst of it. I realized other people loved and lost him too, and it helped me to comfort others, like our children, our relatives and out friends.

One of my friends painted a portrait of him. I am not sure I like it or not, but she painted it as she saw him and no one will see another person the same way. None of us will grieve the same way.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm just taking it day by day
the best I can.

Losing someone we love and live with is a tough blow, and a challenge to find your feet each new day. I hope the process finds you coming along well. One day, hopefully, you will feel less pain and grief and instead find hope and resolve.
We are here.

Deepest condolences. Take it one day at a time, remember to be kind to yourself. For me it was like sleepwalking through a nightmare. He died of cancer, and it took it's time, it devastated us financially. When his suffering finally ended, it really started for me. So don't make rash decisions, get good counsel. And give yourself all the time you need.

I'm sure people would like to hear follow-up posts on your healing progress. I know I would.

I'll try as I'm able.

As to the house, a will wouldn’t allow you to avoid probate. I’m assuming it had been in his name only. If it was held in joint tenancy, it should automatically pass to you (if you were the joint tenant) without the need to go through probate.

Your state may be unusual, and other assets may make probate necessary, but that’s why my wife and I hold our assets in joint tenancy.

know that the DU family is here for you. It is both personal and anonymous, you can say things here that you can't make yourself say out loud to those around you. It can be cathartic.

Grief is a very personal experience. Take whatever bits and pieces of the advice others give you that fit when you need them.

Be kind to yourself.

And yes, everyone needs a will. Everyone. The financial literacy classes people say are needed in high school absolutely need to include the importance of a will.

But for other folks who don't want to go through probate and don't think they have a will. Put both spouses on all titles, bank accounts and credit cards. That way you own those things even if the other spouse passes away.

You still have access to all those things even when the worse thing in your world happens, because your name is on them. No delay, no need to go through probate. Even if you have separate bank accounts, you can put 2 names on the accounts but only one person uses the account.

A sad and emotional time is made even more difficult without the benefit of having a will... I hope that others will take your experience and advice to heart. Good luck.

My SO is a widow, I was friends with him too.

She found a widows support group at a liberal church she does not attend. She says they are a great group. They laugh and cry together and find the group is a big help.

Best of luck to you.

big churches, which I'm going to try
their program anyway. I don't mind
checking it out.

And I'm on the wait list for a counselor
at a large, well known university hospital system.
They take insuance.

Hugs for you.
He was always proud of you and that is why you know you can hold on.

Tikki

I wish you strength and eventual easing of your grief.

On the loss of your beloved husband. Take care.

Am sending thoughts of comfort and peace your way.

I lost my first husband when I was 27. I had a lot of help from his family. It was still rough.

Of course you are scared and worried. The first year is the worst. It will get better.

He will be with you in spirit, overwhelmingly so . You are truly blessed. I wish you the PEACE which surpasses all understanding . Thanks for posting!

As soon as I met my husband and we started dating, my greatest fear was losing him. I have been so fortunate to have him, so I can't even imagine the loss you must feel.

Please take care of yourself. Sending love and strength your way.

Having gone through this I found the first year to be the hardest. Every anniversary of dates that were important to you. It has been 35 years now but I still get the occasional flashback. You will get better.
Ifyou are a church member they may have some counseling available. If not look into it.

All the best.

Wishing you strength every day, and more and more peace as you somehow get through each one.

You have my sympathy, my understanding - and my support.

"And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Well, everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow"
- Graceland - Paul Simon -

husband always comfort you. May each day get a little easier for you .

I can not imagine how hard it is.

I lost my husband, friend, lover and brother in arms in February.

I think we can agree with what Queen Elizabeth wrote about the passing of her beloved "Grief is the price we pay for love".

FWIW the grief will lessen and the loving memories will endure. They will be a comfort and you will be able smile again.

Also take comfort and support from everyone who loved him and you.

I'll second what you said about a will. People, please don't leave problems for those you'll leave behind.

Hang in there. The pain never goes away, but it gets more manageable over time.

I can only wish you peace. It must be so hard especially at such a young age. You have given us a good reminder. Thank you.

Also very sudden - at 2pm we were having a typical conversation, and by 5pm she was gone. Coming up on the year anniversary, and your phrase "I'm okay and hanging on by a thread at the same time" couldn't be more descriptive of how it feels. Same for "He's gone. He's everywhere". Try to remember that you aren't alone, don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it, and grieve in your own way and on your own timetable.

we know the same pain.
I'm doing it my way.
I'm finally starting to remember he's gone
when I wake in the morning. That was torture.
God bless.

light and healing.

There's an emptiness now that I wish on no one.
God bless

But I'll never lose him. ❤

on December 18, 2003. Her passing was also unexpected, and I love her very - very much. Was a wreck for quite sometime, so I can certainly feel you.

That hanging on by a thread is fine....goes with getting through each day, as you mentioned. Just take in the pain as it comes, and don't totally avoid family and close friends. They're good to talk to about any and everything, for the most part.

And try to do busy stuff, as often as your heart will allow.

Time is your friend.

Be well

It was not a sudden death but unexpected all the same. My heart goes out to you and I KNOW how difficult this time is. Some things I have learnt this last year if I might share?
Every anniversary first date, first kiss, xmas, bdays, etc et al are going to hurt like a bitch, but you will get through them.
You will feel sad all the time, but sadness is OK.
Your timeline for grief belongs to you and you alone, only YOU will know when you ready to reengage with the world - nobody else gets to have an opinion
Find some soothing tools and keep them around - a favourite smell - I and the flat smell of coconut all the time because that is a smell I find soothing, or a taste, or a picture, anything that gives you a hug really.
I still see him everywhere over a year later, I just give him a wave and say hi - it is good he is still around, I would hate it if he ever left.
Sometimes staying in bed all day and being with your sadness is perfectly fine
Distraction is not a dirty word. It is OK to be with your sadness and go shopping, or watch a silly movie, or binge on netflix etc, just to escape for a minute.
One day - and this has only happened very recently for me, I find myself accepting friends invitations to dinner, or the theatre and laughing and enjoying myself for the first time in a long time, and I know if is he is looking down he is saying - what took you so long! And I reply it is my grief, I will manage it the way I need to! I miss him terribly everyday, but you learn to live with the sadness, and not in a bad way.

Oh and if you can afford it, Therapy! I swear I have paid my Therapists mortgage this year, but 6 months after my SO's death, when I was STUCK, I decided to invest in a Clinical Psychologist, best money I ever spent.

Thank you

please remember than someone is always here on DU, we are here for you

I'm so very sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My stepfather passed at 45 suddenly when my mom was 53. It's just so incomprehensible because one expects so many more years. I'm sending you hugs and strength.

I just posted this this morning to vent.
I had no idea so many would see and respond.

I've spent the afternoon trying to update, redecorate
some things in the bedroom.
I just can't keep waking up in the morning, forgetting
that he's gone. It won't make me less sad, but it will
give my brain something new to process.
And a touch up was over due anyway.

Love y'all 💘

I've been doing projects to the house (what I've described as my family as "reinventing the house" ) - replaced furniture, replaced the carpeting, moved furniture around in rooms - all to make the house throw fewer memories at me day in and day out (my wife took her last breath in the house). I've thought so many of the same things: that it gives my brain something else to focus on, that the changes were due anyway...

All I can offer is my deepest sympathies, and the knowledge that you're not the only one who is processing things this way.

I just couldn't look at it the same way anymore

Thanks 💗

This is even more surreal...
I was listening to an interview with David Kessler
last night (free you tube), and he was saying
some indigenous tribe (can't remember where)
will move something around in the house or yard of
the family who's just suffered a death so the family will
know something has changed. 😯

Deepest sympathy

Thank you for your support.

What a sudden shock to your world! I'm hoping for the best for you.

A will will save you a lot of money and headaches.

((((((HUGS)))))

If I had lost my wife at age 49, I would have been a wreck. We are the same age, and she had her first battle with cancer at age 49.

Age 52 is a milestone for me, too, as only two very alert and capable cardiologists saved me from sharing your husband‘s fate at that age. It is due to them that I‘m here at all, 17 years later. I hope for you that in time, you can find new companionship, but I know too well how easily that is said, and how difficult it must be to accomplish. If I were to lose my wife tomorrow, I know I wouldn‘t want to remain alone for the rest of my life, but any woman who tried to take her place would be assigned an unfair, impossible task.

I hope you have enough time left to accomplish that, because at this early stage, it will seem like, well, an unfair and impossible task.

I can only wish you the best in coping, no matter in which direction it may lead you.

I had to go to Walmart this morning.
Then went to the cemetery, got on my knees
and cried it out on our plot.
I bought at the local cemetery so I could go often, if I want.
Now I'm back home watching football and cleaning house.
I gotta let it out, but he would be pissed if I pissed myself away. He would never allow it.
I do feel like a mess, but I push through and cry when I have to.

Last edited Sun Nov 7, 2021, 02:15 AM - Edit history (1)

experience! My heart goes out to you and I wish I had any sort of help to offer. 😥

Dear imavoter, I’m so sorry for your loss. And the adjustments you’ll be making.

It’s good that you share this. You can spread out your grief over many many shoulders here. That might help lighten the load and maybe, just maybe, you don’t go through this completely alone. I discovered - well, call it “the DU Effect,” maybe - after my mom died.

People here ARE here to share and comfort and commiserate and help you get through it. And as DU’s own Skittles once said - “someone’s always here.”

😰. 💔. We are all here to listen and support.

My girls and I lost their father in 2011 at 48. Big hugs...please reach out.

you must feel, between grief and fear. I do know that you will survive and that your husband would be very, very proud of you.