Big morning, tears in my coffee...therapy at noon...
I finally reached out to my other kid, the one who I had so many issues with as a teen and basically kicked out of the house when he was 19. We'd been doing better, before the horrific bitch that tried to kill me cut me off from both of my children...
Anyway, I wrote him an email about 2000 words...explained everything. Also told him to please please get help for his own trauma that I caused and that our body chemistry is so similar that he should get meds and aviod alcohol at all costs... He had shared through a mutual friend he got the dreaded Psoriatic Arthritis diagnosis, which I suspect also plays a part in our adhd and addiction issues.
I told him I wanted to make connection but that we all need to work on our own stuff and heal separately, hopefully we can come together again, I miss US. I apologized for the cycle of abuse and trauma that I had imprinted in my psyche and my behavior as a mom growing up. I also said that since we have a history of verbal abuse between us that email helps us keep a little distance...because I am deep in trauma therapy and need to be safe with my own self.
I cried in my coffee, and told him I have a new lease on life, and that I could have died and nobody would have even known. And I want to make sure that I use the rest of thihs life to heal our family's cycles as best I can.
I have therapy appt at noon...so much has happened in my journey in just this week. I'm still SO emotionally wobbly. I know I am making progress and having some real positive results with myself...but I also know that I hit depression HARD over thanksgiving for 2 days and need to confront that as well.
Thanks for being here, letting kme vent and share as usual. It helps me process my own inner thoughts to write it down as well. (I have a journal, too!)
= new reply since forum marked as read
to admit that your issues with addiction has to do with your children’s addictions. That is the startline to your own healing and theirs.
Today is my 22nd anniversary of sobriety from alcohol. But my sobriety wasn’t soon enough for my son. He died from a drug overdose. So my anniversary, which should be an event of pride is bittersweet.
My most sincere piece of advice to you is to heal your relationship with your son while you can
I want to fix it all. I want to be the one who swoops in like the cavalry. I used to be the one who swooped in like the cavalry. Now, I cannot even crawl in and take a bullet for someone because I would be too slow. I can't fix anything anymore. My hands are always hurting. I have all but lost my instrument playing ability. I have not worked a job in eleven years now. I cannot work a job. What can I do?
Cry, I guess. But, I can seldom even do that anymore.
In other words, I can relate.
I believe in signs...so apparently the Universe wants me to believe in this effort to heal and keep doing so 