legitimate reason. I NEVER blamed myself for her irrational and punishing behavior, never. Some family members don't deserve your tolerance or respect.

Im just now digging into the huge line of family stuff that they grew up with and passed on.
Its old stuff that caused me to be In abusive relationships

I've only been therapizing this since my ex tried to kill me at the end of October.. its a lifetime of work...

I've reconciled much with my parents as they grew older I'm just now remembering things that I buried since I was young

And you don't deserve the suffering you're going through now. Parents can be assholes. I know from experience. I had to finally come to a place of forgiveness. To tell myself they did the best they could at the time, and they must have gone through worse as kids to act that way as adults. I hope you come to a time that you can lay down the burden they placed on you. Until then, be gentle with yourself.

Both my parents were products of history and they didn't understand what they needed to do, nobody really did that work in the 70/ 80s...

I carried it through marriages and am Only digging into it at 54. Like digging into the grand canyon with a beach shovel!

Hope to try and break the cycle for my kids who are 22,23 and 30 now...

headache from crying probably. Made some coffee, maybe the caffeine will help.

Texted my kid and told them I loved them, and we'll try for tomorrow or Saturday...

In the past few weeks, my therapist has helped me realize that my family wasn't just mildly dysfunctional, but outright abusive.

I see now that my love for my family was actually trauma bonding (Google it, you'll be glad you did).

I'm determined to heal as best I can, but at this point, I'm done with crying. Now I'm angry. 51 years of my life, wasted, because they isolated me, controlled me, and screwed me over financially.

Thank God I have a supportive therapist and social worker helping me get through this. It's the beginning of my new life, which I want to live to the fullest. But I have to process the garbage, first.

In a rather symbolic act, I've spent the past few weeks going through things in every room, tossing out the useless items and donating the useful ones that I don't need. It's been liberating.

As a bonus, it's been a little like Christmas in advance. Today, I found lots of clothing items that I didn't know I had. Some fit me now, others will fit as I continue losing weight.

This, trying to eat better, trying to get out m ore, and doing relaxation techniques...all part of my self-care mission.

I wish the best for anyone else going through hsomething similar.

My dad was the rager, he'd "only" yell, but it wasn't normal or ok. My mom was my "protector" but also helped try to tell me to "not upset my father", my older sister hated me from the day they brought me home from the hospital. She was the golden child, I was the fuckup...for my whole life as well. I'm turning 55 on new years. (there's a whle story around THAT which isn't as rosy as one might think, though it was my dad's FAVORITE story to tell everyone about...)

Mom had a catastophic stroke in May of '22, and we literally had to make the decision not to do a feeding tube and let her go...she was conscious when "we" (my sister) made that decision. Dad was already too far gone with dementia to understand she couldn't ever come home as "normal" again...as sis and the dr tried to explain how a feeding tube would work, my mom squeezed my hand like a vice and shook her head NO. So I knew it was what she wanted, not to be locked in her body...but it took her 11 days to finally let go and pass. She was so worried about me being ok.
(I was also a functional alcoholic at the time and my new roommate who turned into my wife who tried to kill me a month ago was already working on her grift)
Sis and I went back and forth for a year with dad in a care facility, she was the one who took over and I was so unprepared for everything I let her railroad me into giving up so much. she was only after the money.
Dad passed a year to the DAY in '23. I'd only been sober for about 6months.

I hate my sister now and will never speak to her again. she sold off the home my dad built without a pause, after telling me she'd keep it in the family...

My soon-to-be ex spent almost all the inheritance I did get, and I am just sitting here like "what happened?"

You'll se me post more here as things unfold.
I woke up this morning from a nightmare with my parents...it never happened, but it sure revealed the anxiety that I still live with.