For your deep loses. I'm praying he dies, but I'm startingto feel its pointless

Experience.
I fear there will be loads of at risk people wondering what Trump will do. He is like a big dark cloud that follows you everywhere. My condolences.
I do believe that Trump and his minions will pay for it but maybe not anytime soon.

Farmers have a higher rate of suicide than the general population, but that rate skyrocketed after Trump's tariffs destroyed so many family farms.

I fear the suicide rates will again climb, in all areas.

In my life, when I have reached the point where I can no longer see the point of it, the only antidote that I have found is to find someone I can be of help to and do something for them. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the dogs need to be fed tonight. To deny life’s meaningless by action is my rebellion against it.

I wish you strength and courage, crimycarny.

The problem with grief, particularly losing a child to suicide, is you don't have the energy to do much more than exist. It's also very isolating because no one can understand the complications of suicide loss unless they have experienced it as well. The massive guilt, the constant "if only", or "why didn't I", or "why did I"? (Parents who have lost a child to suicide are 60% more likely to attempt suicide themselves.)

As a parent, I failed in the most horrible way a parent can fail. So the idea of helping someone else doesn't even come up in the equation, if I wasn't able to help my son how can I help anyone else? It's hard to explain. I feel I'd be more of a danger to someone else than a help, after all, I was the person my son talked to the most and look what happened to him!

Even Suicide Prevention campaigns add the the stigma. The "prevention" message implies that those surrounding their loved ones didn't do enough. Would we go up to a mother who lost a child to cancer and say "You know, your child's death could have been prevented?". No. But the suicide prevention campaigns imply that exact message.

It's also a damaging message to those suffering from suicidal ideations as it oversimplifies it into something within that person's control, which isn't always the case. Prevention campaigns, though well-meaning, continue to downplay to PHYSICAL conditions underlying suicidal ideations. Would we expect someone with Parkinson's to use their brain to stop their tremors? No. But we expect someone with depression, anxiety, bi-polar, etc. to somehow heal their condition with the same organ that is causing it.

But, back to dogs. The only thing that has helped me get outside my house is my obligation to make sure I get my dogs some exercise. If not for that, I'd never leave the house.

The sadness and the self-recriminations and the paralyzing inability to accomplish the most simple of tasks and the knowledge that tomorrow is only going to bring more of the same and having to go out in the world and see people enjoying themselves and the fucking emptiness that can’t be filled by anything.

My loss is not as fresh as yours but I have not forgotten any of it. You did not fail your son but I have no way to prove that to you. He was clearly a kind and caring person who got overwhelmed by the senseless brutality of the world and had he managed to get through one more day he might have found a spark of hope.

I only have words and thoughts and a sympathetic ear to offer you, but please know that such a loss is survivable and there is beauty and kindness still left in the world. I would take your burden from you if I could. Please give your dogs a hug from me.