Not just because of the way you translate the beauty you see in the world into art, but because of your kindness and support of the rest of us.

This is one of the rare evenings when I have something planned (a dear friend's art opening) and Mr Femmedem and I are leaving fairly soon. If that weren't the case, I would message you my phone number so we could talk this evening.

I lost someone I loved dearly to suicide over thirty years ago. I've also known people who were as depressed as you are, who had to be hospitalized, and who, years later, see it all as a distant dream. The hopelessness itself is a symptom, not reality. Hang onto that, please. And we can talk tomorrow if you want someone to talk to. Let me know, and I'll send you my number. I won't give advice. I'll just listen.

over some aspect of your life. I suggest a walk in the afternoon, even down the block or driveway, and some fresh air. Then to prepare some food that you like. The feelings you have are clouding hourly reality, but the feeling are from the past in some way.

you are here and I hope you find a way to soothe yourself.

Think of living as a job.

The humiliation and shame you feel are the raw material for a process which it's your obligation to perform.

Nobody else can perform this duty.

Your job is to absorb it, dissipate it, and transform it into harmless quiet and marginal positivity.

All of existence everywhere is counting on you to do your part.

People here care about you and are willing to help.

Add humiliation to that and I understand why you feel so hopeless and down. The self-blame kicks in and that makes it hard to want to keep going on. Then we feel like no one likes us or worse everyone hates us; it’s a horrible cycle to be stuck in. I know, I’ve been there too. Some days are good, some days are sad.

Talk it out, that’s cathartic. People care about you (I know that’s hard to accept). Trauma takes a lot of inner work to heal. Even if we don’t feel okay about ourselves every moment of the day, we can work towards feeling okay more often than feeling not okay. Please feel free to pm me. Stay with us.

“Don't judge yourself so harsh my love or someday you may find your soul endangered”
Neil Young, Natural Beauty on Harvest Moon

Don't go

one in which such harshness results in many people coming to feel bad about themselves as we grope in the dark, often stumbling, as we try to find ways to improve our lives. We make mistakes, often fuck things up, but we are not to blame for the way the world is, for the lack of experiences in our lives that would have blessed us with the knowledge/insight to enable us to be more closer to who we want to be. And often the harm we experience becomes internalized making our lives even harder. Please practice self-compassion now and affirm the goodness inside of you that brought you to DU.

Hugs to you from stargleamer.

Since I lost any such thing a long time ago.

But, people here are glad you are here. That should account for something.