coming out the other side of another trainwreck

well, last week was an incredibly fantastic week, but everything got ruined forever again earlier this week.

same basic shit, different stupid details. only this time it was exacerbated by my having to go off my meds for a couple days so we could address a rash i seemed to be developing on my arms. i've been on the lamictal for a two or three months now, but that's something that needs immediate attention. now, like everyone, i miss my meds every so often, but i hadn't missed them twice in a row before. well, that, in conjunction with very limited sleep the night before made for a very, very ugly scene tuesday morning and a nasty followup wednesday night.

he's finally talking to me today and while i heard the same (imo) bullshit excuses, i did hear a lot more recognition that he actually does go from calm to rage over really trivial shit. i've been trying to point that out to him for a long time, so i need to just continue being like water on stone.

the rash doesn't seem to be anything big and has been, until late last week, manifesting as what only seemed to be dry skin bumps on my elbows (it has been a miserably dry spring). that opinion changed when smaller bumps started spreading down my forearm. it's limited to that area and my doc isn't even sure that it's related to the meds, but we cut my dosage back. i'll give him an update next week and i'm in again in two weeks. i took him my last round of blood work yesterday and he's ordered a more comprehensive test of my thyroid levels; he sometimes uses (i think) synthetic thyroid hormone in treating bp2. i'm on the lower side of the wide window of acceptable levels, but he wants more of a breakdown.

big picture, out of my control shit has been getting to me lately, too. i'm feeling so much anxiety and uncertainty about the future. i can only change what i do, but it doesn't seem like that's going to make a shit of a difference. i'll keep on focusing on the micro and do my best for the macro.

but i'm still here, dusting myself off and ready to be in charge again.