I told my daughter today.
It's been five days since the dire diagnosis was confirmed, and her not knowing has been weighing on my mind. Her Dad, Stepmom, Stinky and I arranged to meet her, our granddaughter, and her SO at Dad & Stepmom's new house. It was ostensibly to 'see the new house,' but she knew something was wrong.
Her Stepmom served sparkling water, snacks, and then a home-cooked, elaborate lunch I was too anxious to eat. We managed to share cheerful time together! Then she said she wanted to know the reason for this gathering, and I told her, one fact at a time, in as few careful words as necessary.
She did break down, but she almost seemed to be expecting it. The one thing that shocked her was the notion that I might live a year or less. She kept apologizing for having been a "bad daughter," while I apologized for having to deliver this news. I reminded her that we can't change the past, that I love her unconditionally, and that I'm proud that she's survived her own ordeals.
In one breath, "It's not about you," and in the next, "It's about you, now." I didn't say it this way, but actually I don't need her to do anything for me. She can spend all the time she wants with me, of course, but not for my sake. All I want now is for her to thrive, stay healthy, and take care of that miracle baby.
I sent her a text message saying we need to stop apologizing. It's a constant habit, and surely she picked it up from me. (A relic from the days when proper girls were taught to apologize constantly for everything and for nothing. My sisters and I do it all the time, and now I do it with my daughter, habitually. "Sorry!" "No, I'm sorry!" "I told you to stop saying you're sorry!" "Oh yeah - sorry."
I proposed we begin a list of sentences that start with "I'm glad," "I'm grateful," "I love," "I'm happy" etc. that we might both continue to expand. Perhaps it could become a blog at some point? Or if there are other mothers and daughters in this position, maybe sooner rather than later? Just writing thoughts after a difficult afternoon.
Thanks again to you all for letting me share all this here. 
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thank you, blm. 
Daughter just sent me a photo of grands happy with Hanukkah gifts, SMILING together.
THIS ones for YOU (!!!)
I’m so glad you’re going to spend time with your miracle granddaughter and I’m glad today went as well as it could have. Sending you, Stinky and your family hugs.
Blessings to you and your daughter, Sparkly! Now you can face the future knowing your loved ones are all with you. You have time to create happy memories for your granddaughter. Create an album of photos for her and write down some of your early happy memories. She will cherish it.
Future, full of quality time spent with as much love as possible.
Lots of love and light moving forward for you and your whole family.
That's one thing your brain no longer has to hang on to, you cleared the air.
Sounds like you have an amazing family, such a bonus.
I am really happy to hear you were able to do it in the way you did and I know that this is a huge relief for you and now you can focus on this precious time and love.
