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pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 08:05 PM Dec 11

Dear LGBTQ+ parent: We are not your "ally."

This discussion thread was locked as off-topic by Behind the Aegis (a host of the LGBT group).

To us, that term can sound less-than and "other." It doesn't recognize the impact it has on a child to be living in America with a gay parent or parents.

Those of us with an LGBTQ+ parent are not our parents' allies -- we're your children. We're in the same boat with you, whether we're gay or straight -- because we love you. And we've been there with you since we were born.




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Irish_Dem

(59,655 posts)
1. I have a number of LGBT family members.
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 08:14 PM
Dec 11

I never thought of calling myself an ally.

I love them to pieces and I have their back 100%.

They know it to their core.

But I am their mom, aunt, cousin, etc.
I don't think of myself as an ally.

pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
2. I got triggered by this. . . .
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 08:41 PM
Dec 11

I'd gone to see if the listing of orgs includes COLAGE, the group for children LGBTQ people, and it doesn't. All it lists is this:

Families and Friends of LGBTers
- GLAAD: Be an Ally

https://www.democraticunderground.com/113720777


Irish_Dem

(59,655 posts)
3. I hear you, that does seem odd doesn't it?
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 08:54 PM
Dec 11

What do they think we do every single day?

But maybe some family members want to get more involved in political and social activities and activism?
Or be more visible in the community?

Maybe they want to take more overt action to the larger population.

So perhaps it makes sense.

pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
4. PFLAG is another group that didn't recognize the existence of children of gay people for a long time.
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 09:23 PM
Dec 11

It began as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and later expanded to Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

But it always seemed as if somehow the children were supposed to be supporting the gay parents -- rather than the reverse. It's the job of all parents no matter what their orientation to recognize the challenges their children face and to support them.

It's a scary time for families right now, especially in red states.

Irish_Dem

(59,655 posts)
5. Yes I agree.
Wed Dec 11, 2024, 09:36 PM
Dec 11

I have been talking with some of the young people in my family about this very issue.
Being aware of the feelings of the children of gay parents and how they are impacted by this issue.
It is real and has to be addressed.

We also have multi racial and different religions thrown into the mix.
So we talk about that too.

Yes I am quite worried all of it especially now for sure.

yardwork

(64,725 posts)
6. Um....
Thu Dec 12, 2024, 10:05 AM
Dec 12

I'm not sure what the purpose of this OP is, here in the LGBTQ+ group.

I'm a lesbian and a parent and a.step-parent. Is there some national conversation or controversy I've missed?

Because, unless there's some front page story about some incident that makes this highly topical, it sounds a lot like the old trope that assumes there's some "gay spokesperson" or "gay community" that took a vote and issued some rule that somehow represents the opinions of all gay people everywhere. And now you're taking us to task. If you're in disagreement with the wording of some organization's position, take it up with them.

And, for the record, lots of organizations continually reexamine and update their positions. It was not that long ago that the Southern Poverty Law Center, for instance, didn't take hatred of gay people into account when identifying hate organizations. Now they do. Do I hold their past omission against them? No. I celebrate their evolution, as I celebrated President Obama's.

pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
7. As I explained above, it was my reaction to seeing the LGBTQ resources page.
Thu Dec 12, 2024, 09:38 PM
Dec 12

I went there to see resources for children of gay people, and there's still nothing there.

The closest thing is this:

Families and Friends of LGBTers
- GLAAD: Be an Ally


For the record, COLAGE was founded in 1990.

yardwork

(64,725 posts)
8. Ok, this is the group for LGBTQ+ discussion.
Thu Dec 12, 2024, 09:51 PM
Dec 12

If I understand you correctly, you're upset that our group's resources page doesn't specifically mention children of LGBTQ+?

Perhaps you could send a PM to the group's host and ask that one be added?

I'm sure that this would not be controversial.

pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
9. I was pointing out that we're not allies. The word "allies" sets us apart.
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 12:05 AM
Dec 13

Don't you think the word "ally" is a strange word to refer to a child of someone?

TommyT139

(750 posts)
10. Wait, so instead...
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 05:59 AM
Dec 13

Wait, so instead of replying to that thread from 2012 (not a page - took me awhile to find it) with a comment simply suggesting that COLAGE be added as the original poster requested ...you started a whole new thread complaining it wasn't there??

Setting all that aside, while you may see yourself as more than an ally, many many children of LGBTQ people are absolutely not supportive of their parents, especially if the parents come out or transition later in life. For them, learning some ally skills would be a big start...but I bet they're not crawling through twelve year old threads on an obscure internet board.

Really, I'm glad COLAGE still exists. I haven't heard much of anything from them for awhile now. But if I was still doing trainings, or putting together a resource list, I would only add that site with a warning about the seeming exclusive use of the identity label "queerspawn." I guess that's useful for family members who are already also allies...but to folks newly figuring out their relationship with an LGBTQ parent, it seems...unhelpful.










pnwmom

(109,635 posts)
11. I don't think you are a parent because you still don't get it. It's up to parents, gay or straight,
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 06:07 AM
Dec 13

to love their kids in an empathic way that results in their kids naturally loving them back. If the kids grow up being loved and loving their parent in return, then special "ally skills" are unnecessary.

TommyT139

(750 posts)
12. I don't think you are an ally
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 07:05 AM
Dec 13

So I guess we're even -ish.

Anyway, if you haven't met an LGBTQ person who has offspring, who were totally cut off - even or especially from contact with grandchildren - after coming out, it's understandable why you would make sweeping statements about "naturally" this and that.

And since you still haven't commented to that thread suggesting the COLAGE link, thale absence of which you claimed to be pissed about, clearly that wasn't your actual point. Whatever's going on, good luck.

yardwork

(64,725 posts)
13. You've been asked to address this with this forum's hosts.
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 08:29 AM
Dec 13

You appear to have started this thread just to start an argument here.

Behind the Aegis

(54,926 posts)
14. A group for LGBT DUers and allies. All topics of interest to the LGBT community are welcome.
Fri Dec 13, 2024, 04:27 PM
Dec 13

That is the purpose of THIS group. If you are not a member of said community nor an ally, then this is not the group for you. The only time we let those come into this group who don't identify as allies are those who come to ask, RESPECTFULLY, issues for which they may have questions or need clarification.

Given the attacks on the GLBT community, it is understandable that children who may have a queer parent/caregiver will also face issues, and those issues are DIRECTLY related to the sexuality/gender identification of one or more parent/caregiver.

You could have EASILY done as yardwork suggested and simply gone to the pinned resource thread and added the group in a response, as others have done, including a recent addition of the GLBT Veterans resource.

Your comments, however, imply you are NOT an ally nor do not wish to be one based on YOUR status as a child of someone queer. That is contrary to the purpose of this group, and I am therefore, locking this thread with the following caveat: If you are not an ally to the community you are not welcome here.

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