LGBT

Not Heidi

(1,470 posts) Sun Dec 8, 2024, 11:18 AM Dec 8

my sister's eldest child

My wife and I share a home with one of my sisters and her 37-year-old child, who was born female. To protect them, I'm using the gender-neutral name of Robin for this post.

I don't know what kind of disability/disabilities keep Robin from ⁿworking (they've never worked a day), from being around groups of people, etc. One of their chores is to take out the bins on collection day -- they take them out and bring them back in at about 3:00 am so as not to be seen by the neighbors. I put my hand on their shoulder in the kitchen on Friday (their birthday) and told them that I love them. They said, "Don't touch me." If they'd ever told me this rule, I'd forgotten it.

But I digress. This thread isn't intended just to offer a trait rundown that would belong in one of the support fora.

Robin wanted delivery from Panda Express for their birthday dinner. This is how they marked their container of leftovers for the fridge:

https://imgur.com/a/xsEEXO7 *

That surprised me. It's not that I don't support them; they have my whole-hearted love and support. My own dilemma is minor, considering all that Robin feels and experiences. I just don't know by what name to call them. Their birth name is decidedly feminine; they changed it to a similarly feminine name when they turned 18.

Do I call them "niece," which I have done most of their life? (Ex.: Hey, Niece, how's your day going?) Do I ask if they've chosen a masculine name, and would they be happy with being known by that name?

I think I need to ask them by what name they'd like to be addressed. I don't know how to address them.

Has anyone else encountered a family member such as Robin, whose gender identity is opposite the one they were born with?

Thank you for your input.

* I don't know what happened; I expected the photo to appear here. I don't know what I did that's amiss.

7 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

my sister's eldest child (Original Post) Not Heidi Dec 8 OP

I think it is good idea to just ask them what they would like you to call them without making it a big deal and MLAA Dec 8 #1

Bee. Not Heidi Dec 8 #3

My sister's adult children are non-binary as well. YodaMom2 Dec 8 #2

Thank you. I believe that's the mindset Not Heidi Dec 8 #4

Here's the photo... hunter Dec 8 #5

Thank you, Hunter. Not Heidi Dec 8 #6

My kids are non-binary. Grumpy Old Guy Dec 9 #7

MLAA

(18,668 posts)

1. I think it is good idea to just ask them what they would like you to call them without making it a big deal and

Reply to Not Heidi (Original post)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 11:32 AM

Dec 8

without and preamble or explanation, just ask the simple question directly 🩵

What does their mother call them?

Not Heidi

(1,470 posts)

3. Bee.

Reply to MLAA (Reply #1)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 01:15 PM

Dec 8

Their mom calls them Bee. Their given middle name begins with "B." But it seems too intimate for me to use it.

I've considered just asking them their name, or what they'd like to be called. The thought makes me nervous. But I know that's chicken shit; this is too important to allow myself to be weak.

YodaMom2

(56 posts)

2. My sister's adult children are non-binary as well.

Reply to Not Heidi (Original post)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 11:50 AM

Dec 8

I recently asked one how they’d prefer I describe our relationship, since “niece” is gender-specific, and “my sister’s kid” is awkward and cumbersome. They said “niece” was fine to use, but thanked me for asking.

Not Heidi

(1,470 posts)

4. Thank you. I believe that's the mindset

Reply to YodaMom2 (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 01:24 PM

Dec 8

to take with me when I broach the subject with them. "Niece" does seem to be the toughest word that I need to replace in addressing them or describing them to others.

hunter

(39,055 posts)

5. Here's the photo...

Reply to Not Heidi (Original post)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 01:36 PM

Dec 8

imgur will give you several options for sharing an image. The simple one that ends with MAkmdjml.jpg is the one that works on DU.

I've got "gender fluid" and autistic spectrum relatives. Just roll with it. Don't touch them if they don't want to be touched, don't put them in any gender cubbyhole if that's not where they want to be, even if it changes from day to day.

That handwriting looks familiar, a lot like that of the autistic spectrum people in my family. It looks a lot like my handwriting, which hasn't changed much since I was in the second grade.

Not Heidi

(1,470 posts)

6. Thank you, Hunter.

Reply to hunter (Reply #5)

Sun Dec 8, 2024, 01:56 PM

Dec 8

It's good to see you. Been a long time. So long that you may not know the name. I used to be Bertha Venation.

Grumpy Old Guy

(3,604 posts)

7. My kids are non-binary.

Reply to Not Heidi (Original post)

Mon Dec 9, 2024, 06:16 AM

Dec 9

I usually refer to them as my kids or my adult children. Sometimes I call them my offspring. My wife and I both try to use "they them" pronouns as much as possible, but we also let them know to cut us some slack if we forget and get it wrong.

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