Battling Severe Depression - Been Looking for Work Since June

Hey guys,

From RTP, North Carolina:

I was let go from my last job which was pretty challenging. It was a Portfolio Analyst, and I admit, I was sort of learning on the fly, but I was working hard and didn't really receive any negative feedback so I thought everything was going well. Then one day, my boss set up a meeting with me title "Catch up" because he had been out for a week prior. It was Friday morning. I get on the call, say, "Good Morning, _____.

He was short and to the point. FA, we're going to let you go. The decision is final. You're just not keeping up. Then he passed me over to the HR lady who is also on the phone. Now, this guy always said that he was a "Type A" personality, but to me, I considered that pretty cowardly. I don't have a college education. I've always been able to get a job, though.

I'm circling the drain. I've been applying for jobs online, but haven't taken care of myself at all. It's a challenge to get out of bed to shower, brush my teeth, and eat. I've lost about 40 lbs. I keep ruminating that I'm a failure. My fiance and I have had to move into her mother's house. Oh, by the way, my measly $350 a week unemployment payment was "exhausted" about 2 weeks ago. Meanwhile, I'm missing payments on credit cards, one month behind on my car payment. I had great credit, and now it's in shambles. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I have day long panic attacks and I'm paralyzed with fear. I think I've broken down. I used to be outgoing, gregarious, always cracking a joke. Now, I'm scared of my shadow.

Anyway, last year I left my job of 8 years, which was a great job, the best job I've ever had, for another job that was paying $15K more a year. It was for an Operations Analyst position, when all I was doing prior was export data from Lotus Notes or Oracle BI, or a few other platforms. I would slice and parse the data and create nice dashboards. Fairly easy work. It was an international company, a clinical research organization. People from other departments, from other regions knew my name. A lot of times, people would ask me for help with Excel, and some other things, but primarily Excel. I had great friends at the company, and my life couldn't have been better.

When I left, I stayed at the second place for 3 months. It was for an Operations Analyst. Now, I don't know if it was them or me, but one example that should illustrate my point in terms of not communicating was the fact that my boss sent me three spreadsheets and left extremely vague instructions - not even an end goal of what she was trying to achieve. She said something to the effect that, "You're the analyst, you should know." Well, that kind of destroyed my confidence. I've always had an issue with the fact that I didn't graduate from college, so I always feel that I'll be found out as "incompetent" (I don't lie on my application, this is strictly from an intelligence perspective). So, I froze. I went back to my desk and stared at my screens trying to figure out what I needed to do. Nothing made sense on these three spreadsheets. Then I realized that the headers on one of them were formatted as currency when they were really supposed to be dates!!! So the top line was read like: $3456 $4786 $1275 and so on and so forth, when they were really supposed to be 1/16 2/16 3/16. Ok, so problem one found out, but still - I wonder what the hell else is formatted incorrectly. Inheriting dirty spreadsheets is a real pain, especially if whoever created it didn't know what they were doing. Okay, the main point isn't these three spreadsheets. Just serves as a lack of communication point. But by then, my confidence was just shot. I drove an hour to get there and an hour to get back. They were inflexible about the hours (I wanted to come in early so I could leave early and avoid traffic). No, couldn't do that. Finally, I just stopped going to work, and calling in sick. They fired me after 6 months.

I found a job about 3 weeks later for another CRO, the one with the Type A personality for a boss. I and another person were hired on the same day. The guy hired with me was a financial guru. So, thinking went like this, he would let me know what he wanted (he didn't know a lick of Excel), and I would create some really nice dynamic dashboards. Now, it could be due to my incompetence or not, but sometimes _____ would say one thing and they say something completely different when we were on a three-way call. My boss, we'll call Steve would talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. My counterpart, we'll call Andy, would pretty much remain silent. Some of the business terms, though, I didn't know, and if asked on the spot without the benefit of Google was a challenge. Fortunately, that only happened once or twice. But long story short, I got the distinct impression that Andy would come to a conclusion, give what he wants, I'd come up with a nice extravagant looking dashboard, then our boss, Steve, would mumble through the thing, sometimes I'd try to explain, but he would just shut me down, mumble, then asked me a question that I just provided when he shut me down. Anyway, Andy was his favorite. So, I had hiccups, some may have been my fault or not. Really impossible to tell since Andy constantly waffled on stuff. But, I never thought I'd be fired.

So, filed for UI. Took about three weeks. $350/week. Finally exhausted that.

The second job after my wonderful 8 year one, I worked six months. My third job, I worked three months. So, this is what I'm doing: I'm telling recruiters and potential employers (I removed second job and made third job look like it started right after 8 year job and I'm "currently" working) that I'm currently working that way I can ask that they don't call my current employer. I then say I have a list of references from wonderful 8 year gig, so I'm covered on that. So basically, my resume and my verbal goes worked at 8 year job until Sept of last year. Then immediately in Sept, I'm working at third job Sept to current(but listed as second, because real second was totally removed). Totally used so they don't contact them for a reference.

Now, I have been trouble finding a job. I'm terrified. I've never felt like this before. Day long panic attacks that paralyze me. Not taking care of myself like showering and stuff. I feel like I'm circling the drain. I'm weak and lack energy.

I need to know if things are going to get better. I feel like the me from just a year ago was a totally different person. Laughing, popular, gregarious, CONFIDENT, the whole nine. Now I don't even leave the house unless I absolutely have to. Yesterday, I finally showered and went to a watering hole I used to frequent. Ordered a Ginger Ale. I'm so depressed that I can't even drink! Wow. Anyway, people were happy to see me, but said I looked rally thin ... yes, about six months ago, I weighed 195ish lbs (at 6 feet tall). I now struggle to keep up to 150 lbs. My fiance and I don't really have set times for dinner so ...sometimes I'm so weak to even make something myself.

I need to know that everything is okay.

If you need more information or clarification, please let me know.

I need help.


Edit: Sorry about grammar and formatting, but went for speed rather than quality. Usually strive for both, though.