I am level 2 autistic without intellectual disabilities. Due to things, it has manifested into bipolar and BPD

As well as PTSD from all the abuse I have received being non-neurotypical in a world that has little understanding, care, or patience for manifestations of issues unless you are under the age of eighteen. Services for people like me don't really exist short of therapy (which doesn't deal with the underlying causes) or medication (which is really just low grade opiods that turn you into a zombie).

I went un-diagnosed autistic until I was 24. Socially, my life has been one of complete misery. For some reason, the most toxic people have always found their way into my life and, unable to understand social cues or, as my wife say, my horrible EQ, they worm their way in and rob me of my life force. When I meltdown, I become the problem.

Autistic people, according to research, are up to seven times more likely to die by suicide and six times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population. I've attempted four times in my life. In addition, addiction is somewhat common among autistic individuals: studies indicate that people with ASD are two to three times more likely to develop an addiction at some point in their lives. I'm a recovering alcoholic with ten years, eight months, and twenty-one days sober as of the writing of this. I relapsed three times before the age of 34 and started drinking when I was 11.

This scene from "The Good Doctor" explains me completely. I sunk myself into things I was good at: history, economics, geography, literature, writing, music teaching, only to be told day in and day out I was stupid for my well researched perspectives, my theories, and my insights, or I would be told my songs sucked, my screenplays and novels sucked, and I was a lousy musician. When PA refused to accept my Arizona teacher certification, I literally gave up on life.

People tolerate me because when they need something, my overwhelming empathic impulse tells me to stop and listen.

I've known people in Hollywood since 2012 when my agent (who spent seven years telling me to my face I was the worst writer he ever had while singing my praises to everyone he met, who told me I was worthless at everything, including teaching, who always tried to use me as his translator with Chinese talent and investors so he could "make money and tap ass," and to whom I no longer speak to because he tried to seduce my wife in front of me) brought me to NY and LA to interact with people. I felt like I was suffocating. But a few talented people (I will not mention names) began speaking to me and we developed a rather deep relationship. I got to know them off camera.

But then things started to change. I went from being who I was and happy with myself to only being there when they needed something from me. I became another commodity in their lives. I will not go into the details, but my relationship with them turned into everything I felt about myself. People only cared about me if I did something for them and if I never asked for reciprocation. After all, "you're smart. you'll figure it out yourself. You don't need me."

Neglect, abandonment, gaslighting, and bullying are common in non-neurotypical life. I wrote this song last night. In my mind, it's easy for people to walk away. I'll be forgotten in less than five minutes because I never mattered anyway. If I break it off, the only person that will hurt is me. People tolerate me because I have genuine empathy.