WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to improve Donald J. Trump’s woefully weak negotiating position with Iran, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made a surprise visit to the White House on Wednesday to lend him some cards.

“For four years, my country has fought a much larger adversary to a standstill, while for three months, a far smaller country has kicked your ass,” Zelenskyy informed Trump. “Which of the two of us, may I ask, has cards?”

Saying that his American counterpart’s total lack of cards “makes me very sad,” Zelenskyy pleaded with Trump to borrow some of his.

“Pick a card,” Zelenskyy begged him. “Any card.”