WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid allegations of heavy drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is hoping to seem sober by scheduling a joint appearance with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, sources close to Patel revealed on Tuesday.

“I need to hold a press conference with Pete after he’s been on an epic bender,” Patel reportedly told his staff. “If you can’t find him, get Jeanine Pirro.”

Appearing with Hegseth carries with it certain risks, however, as Pentagon staffers have reported that merely standing next to him has made them drunk.

But Patel told sources he is desperate to “do anything” to save his job, sobbing, “I can’t go back to flying coach.”