CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Borowitz Report)—Stating, “I never dreamed this day would come,” former President George W. Bush confirmed on Tuesday that he is celebrating no longer having started the dumbest war in U.S. history.

“When you make a boneheaded mistake as epic as I did, you pretty much assume that no one will ever do something stupider,” Bush said. “I gotta say, I’m pinching myself.”

The former president admitted, however, that “if anyone was going to out-dumb me, it was gonna be this guy.”

“Look, I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed,” he said. “But even I know not to stare at an eclipse.”