in 1981, two days after his 17th birthday, Tim Walz — future Congressman, running mate, and couch-joke aficionado — joined the Army National Guard. he spent the next 24 years of his life as a Guardsman, eventually rising to the rank of master sergeant. in 2005, Walz retired from the Guard in order to run for Congress.

in any normal world, this would be the end of the story — but we don’t live in a normal world. we live in the stupidest fucking timeline possible — one that’s overrun with vile Republicans.

stolen valor, Republicans are screaming. Tim Walz sucks! he stole valor! don’t believe a word of this stolen valor nonsense, because — as usual — these straw-grasping shitheads are lying their fucking faces off.

here’s what these bellyachers want you to be all worked up about: in March 2005, Walz filed paperwork to run for Congress and made clear his intentions to retire from the Guard. four months later, in July, it was announced that his former unit was to be deployed to Iraq in 2006 — making Walz guilty of the heinous crime of luck.