WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defending his decision to use an insecure messaging app to discuss classified war plans, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz said on Wednesday that he chose Signal because it offered more emojis.

“Those sleazebags at The Atlantic are acting like using Signal is some kind of scandal,” Waltz said. “You want to know a real scandal? The government spent billions of dollars on a secure communications system that has zero emojis.”

Waltz said that he refused to use the government’s system when it became clear to him that it lacked even rudimentary emojis like fist, fire, and smiley face.

“I stand by my decision to use Signal,” he said. “When you’re planning to bomb another country, an emoji is worth a thousand OMGs and LOLs.”