Spurious News: Executive Office of the President prepares for Trump being locked up in NY

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- The legal world was roiled slightly this week when Judge Juan Merchan of the Supreme Court of New York declared that the crimes he convicted President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump of in a trial in his courtroom earlier this year did not involve "official acts" of a president and were therefore not covered under the Supreme Court's grant of presidential immunity. The convictions can be punished by sentencing the defendant to prison.

"Is is possible for President of the United States to be a jail job?" said Elizabeth Martin, who serves in the Executive Office of the President. "We never thought we'd have to be asking ourselves this, but if it comes down to it, we can handle it."

Ms. Martin explained how it would work if it came to that. "He'll probably go to Sing Sing Correctional Facility, which is New York's maximum security prison. That's in Ossining, which is on the Hudson Line of the Metro-North Railroad. We'll rent a house in Ossining and put someone from the Executive Office in it. A couple times a week during visiting hours we'll take things he needs to sign there. He'll sign them with a Sharpie he bought from the Sing Sing commissary, then our officer will get on the train and ride to Grand Central Terminal in New York City with the signed paperwork in a briefcase. Another of our officers will meet the Ossining officer, exchange briefcases, then go to the Moynihan Train Hall to catch Amtrak to Washington. We'll pick that officer up at Washington Metro Station and take her back to the White House to deliver the paperwork. In especially dire situations where we need a signature quicker than using the trains will allow, although we can't think of anything like that happening in the Trump presidency, we can fly an officer to the Westchester County Airport and rent a car for the 16-mile drive to Sing Sing. We can do Cabinet meetings pretty easily; Sing Sing has pay phones for the inmates to use. The prisoner has to set up an account and the calls are billed to that account. He'll just call in when there's a Cabinet meeting. It'll be just like he was in DC, except he won't be. Of course, we won't be putting any money in the account so he'll have to rely on family contributions and his earnings from his job in the prison laundry."

Ms. Martin doesn't expect there to be any trouble from the other inmates if Trump is sent to prison. "We call him Geiger Counter Don, he's so radioactive. No one wants to be near the guy, so we think he will go unharmed by anyone in there."