Morgan Wallen, Thomas Rhett And The Poison Of Bullshit Nostalgia

So I was at the gym this afternoon at the local university. The radio was on, plus eight or ten TVs without which weights could not (apparently) be lifted. More to the point, some truly dreadful country music came on while I was working out, and it got me thinking.

I don't follow contemporary country & western much anymore. Why? Because in the last 10-15 years it's begun to really suck. Time was when "three chords and the truth" was the truth, and I grew out of my snotty sneering at steel guitar many years ago. But with some notable exceptions, country today just blows for two reasons.

1. It's not country & western, it's twangy pop chockablock with what is essentially product placement - my truck, my gun, my girlfriend, my beer, my boots, my hometown.

2. It's that last item that swerves quickly and disastrously into Trumpian political bullshit. Because, boys and girls, as it turns out, there are two kinds of people living in this country.

There are Real 'Murcans. They exemplify hard work and traditional values and take care of their families and neighbors. They have guns and drive trucks and live in small towns and out in the country. They hunt and fish and drink beer and work in factory jobs or farm and ranch, and they never left their idyllic, peaceful hometowns. They go to church and fly the flag and love 'Murca. These activities, in and of themselves, define their Realness.

Others living in this country do not conform to this activity list. They are lazy and do not care for their families and neighbors. They lack guns, drive sedans and hybrid cars, and live in places that are not small towns or rural townships. They do not hunt or fish, they drink wine, and they work in offices in a number of different professions. In addition, they have left their hometowns and live in dirty, dangerous cities. They do not go to church or fly the flag, and they hate 'Murca, and are not Real.

The verse that caught my attention:

If every nightstand had a Bible, every front porch had a swing
If every backyard had a garden, every front door had a screen
Well, maybe this crazy world would straighten up and slow on down, If every town had a Mamaw's house

The verse that caught my attention, annotated:

If every nightstand had a Bible

Yes, and when the traveling revival youth pastor knocked up Cousin Jeannie she tried to abort herself. Died of sepsis in '59, poor girl. Her dad never got over it. Oh, and Father Crandall got caught with that girl at the Christmas Festival . . . what was her name, Ruby? Olive? She couldn't have been more than 14 or 15. 'Course, nobody talked about it, though lots of folks knew. Crandall had the goods on pretty much everybody in town, though he got transferred few years after that. Heard her Dad beat the hell out of her - not really her fault, though.

Every front porch had a swing

Wait, we have a swing, and we live in the evil city! Does that make us Real?!?

If every backyard had a garden

Which reminds me of the Good Old Days my best friend's family experienced during the 1930s and 1940s. Yes they had a garden. They had a garden for a very good reason. This was hill country Mississippi. That meant a Good Old Days menu of bacon, cornbread and milk (plus whatever had been canned over the summer) from November through May, when the first greens and peas came in. They spent about a nickel a day per person on food. They were lucky- they owned their land outright and were dairy farmers, so their diet was a bit better than most of their neighbors'. Bonus - they got indoor plumbing when his Mom was a senior in high school, which was in 1953.

Every front door had a screen

Wait!! We've got one of those too - things are getting more Real by the minute!!

Well, maybe this crazy world would straighten up and slow on down,

Bad World!! Bad Planet!! Bad People In Bad Places!! Straighten up and slow down because we say so, and we're Real!!!

If every town had a Mamaw's house

Oddly, most of them do, since there are plenty of grandmothers out there. Or did you mean that your grandmother should return from the dead, replicate herself and take up residence in every town across the world? Did your grandmother speak Chinese, Arabic, Russian, Spanish, Thai, Tagalog or Hindi? Lots of towns, lots of languages and people after all.

Shorter version - we harbor and personify and exemplify the virtues that made this country great - because we say we do. The world should live and believe as we do - because we say it should. And somewhere there is a gigantic space-time machine to turn back the clock and knock out the icky bits of what the past was really like - because we wish it to be so. Oh, and you are evil and suck, because you are not us, and because we say so.